I just forgot my password is all. All is resoloved.
Incidentally, on the sunny GC today I had a celeb trifecta. And when I say celeb I mean absolutely pitiful excuse for a celeb meaning ‘I kinda recognise ‘em from the tele an shit’ celeb
Celeb Spot #1: The bloke who won Big Brother two years ago - Logan Greg. He was wearing a wife-beater and a cap - just like he did on the tele.
Celeb Spot #2: The main protagonist from that Secret Life Of Us programme. Not the chubby Aborigine lass from Playschool. No. The stringy, nerdy bloke with oily hair and bad teeth who played Evan. Ropey!
Celeb Spot #3: Mad Ron. Of course, he’s a local but seeing him actually doing anything except speaking into his bluetooth and holding a diary is a once in a lifetime moment.
Right now, I could die a happy fucker.
Clearly, if you can’t answer this then you need some serious mental health medicine for the brain and stuff.
File under ‘Obvious’
*farts*
Don’t look at me. It was him.
OK…I’m not totally bent. I may sometimes show a pink mannerism from time to time but I promise it is from all the Elton John I listened to as a child. Those crazy specs of his…oh, what a larrikin.
Sometimes, the overall gayness is much lower than the sum of its gay parts and on closer analysis I am as camp as a row of tents during Splendour-style shenanigans.
1. Gayest Music I Own
It’s difficult to gauge as I own some properly bent music which the gays go mad for, you know Erasure, Steps and the like. However, they are easy targets because there is a knowing gayness to it. Like owning them is a knowingly effete glance to those who chin stroke appalling progressive music for the sake of some misplaced, post-modern exclamation. No… Fuck that! I own some Natasha Bedingfield. There I said it.
2. Gayest Book I Own
Again, I’ve got male nudes falling off the shelves and properly bent authors like Mark Latham. Naturally, this is literary equivalent of buying craploads of toothpaste to hide the fact you need to buy some Canesten for your burning cunt. I own Learn Visual Basic 6. I quote…”The hardest part of the challenge ahead of you is making the workspace larger than the parameters you are given”. If that isn’t a ‘cock in arse’ metaphor I don’t know what is.
3. Gayest Piece of Clothing I Own
So many to choose from. Discard all the flowery prints. They are so gay that they are now straight. I have loud ties and colourful socks but when it boils down to it, it’s the Greco-Roman Wrestling outfit that outs me every time.
4. Gayest Holiday I’ve Been On
I had the misfortune once of going camping. I hate camping. I would rather spend a week in a 3×3 jail cell with a russian mobster than go camping. Tents are shite, lukewarm food and drink is shite, chemical khazis are shite and really hurt if you when raining down with heavy artillery, but worst of all is having 60 year old men trawl around from tent to tent, knocking on flimsy doors and asking to peep in. “Throw a dollar in the slot, old man and then we’re in business”
5. Gayest TV Programme I Watch
Of course, Grey’s Anatomy would turn me lez instantly but fortunately I don’t watch it. I’ve still got memories of Patrick Dempsey in crappy teen movies to consider him even remotely bootilicious. Antiques Roadshow comes a close second in my list but no-one can convince me that the two brothers in Supernatural aren’t partaking some brotherly love. If not, then consider my talisman well and truly fingered.
6. Gayest Memory From Early Adultdom
He said that the prickles wouldn’t hurt and that we should try something new. I thought he was on some sort of cactus-lovin, horticulture tip at the moment. I didn’t know he actually wanted to pash my face off. He tried to get me to drink chardonnay, lots of it. At the time, any booze was good booze. I didn’t quite know why he smiled when I told him ‘I had to get my pool cue from out the back’. There were attractive young girls dripping off the walls that night. Enough for me to completely ignore everything he said and hit back with auto-pilot responses.
“Do you fancy me?”
“Mmm…yeah…you’re not wrong…this place is awesome…”
“You’re exactly the kind of young guy I go for”
“Mmm…yeah…I hear ya…yeah…that’s a good one…”
“Come back to mine for a fuck?”
“Of course, of course! … yeah … I get what you say, but I missed that last bit … too much background going on”
7. Gayest Moment I Experienced When The Other Person Had No Idea There Was A Gay Moment Going On
S-Club7 played live at some club night. His name was Sebastian. When the band finished their set, Bradley left a bottle of Evian on stage. Sebastian climbed on stage, ran mincingly to the bottle and dived on it, his arse pointed up in the air for a moment longer than is decent. He skipped back and exclaimed in a quite effiminate way, “OH! MY! GOD!!! I got it, I got it, I got it! And…I can tell YOU want it?”. His arms spasmed a long flourish as if he were a rhythmic gymnist twirling a ribbon. “Erm…No. You keep it” I replied.
8. Gayest One-on-One Piece Of Man Action
Other than being sucked off by a man, tonguing another man until your face is red raw from the stubble rash and fucking another man in the jacksi I have never had one single gay experience…at all…never. Honest guv…
As unexpected as a quinella drawn at the races. Yesterday, for the first time in living memory, at the moment of completion, when one body unifies with another to create a third energy, I felt guilt. Never happened before. Discuss.
Middle-class America is full of emotionally-retarded knobheads who are scared of dying. This is why most chubby, wannabee lezzers are now tuning to Grey’s Anatomy. If you are unfortunate enough to tune into both Oprah and GA then clearly you are a chubby, wannabe lezzer who is an emotionally retarded knobhead who is scared of dying.
Apparently, there are 4.1m fellow cloven hoofed lovelies like me in this beautiful corner of the world we know and love to call Queensland. The water commissioner has ignored the signal of pissloads of water falling from the heavens in my district known as the Hinze Dam Catchment Area and decided that Level 5 Water Restrictions will be upon us soon.
Naturally, the restrictions are baby boomer orientated like ‘No One-Armed Watering Of Begonias On A Wednesday (or on days when you play Pokies)’ variety and don’t matter a blind bit of piss to the rest of us normal people. You know, the people who actually go to work and drive the economy forward. *Unseats himself from high-horse*.
I have devised 3 restrictions that would work infinitely better than the ones our Water Commissioner has come up with. On a more defamatory note, how can you take advice from someone who hasn’t seen their own feet since the Hawke Administration? You can’t…
Water Saving Tip #1: Drink Beer Instead Of Water. For every glass of water you want to drink, consume a beer (imported or interstate essential to conserve those local drops). This helps the dam levels but also helps the local bottleshop economy and beer producers of the world. Hurrah!! Even though you are supposed to drink 8 glasses a day, it would be safe to say if you average it out, consumption is more like 2 glasses per person max.
Trade Water For Beer: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day.
- - - - - -
Water Saving Tip #2: Consider In-Shower Urination Socially Acceptable.
If everyone in Queensland sprung a leak whist taking their daily shower they would save 4 litres a day on a half-flush. That said, unofficially, half of the population of the world already ‘dirty their feet’ in the shower. So, females x 4 litres is yer saving.
Piss In The Shower: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day.
- - - - - -
Water Saving Tip #3: Drink Short Blacks Instead Of Long Blacks : To non-Australians this has nothing to do with opting for a Gary Coleman instead of a Michael Jordan. No! This is choosing an espresso over an espresso topped up with water. The reasons to change are threefold. 1) The amount of caffeine is identical even though you are taking on board 350ml less water. 2) Long Blacks fuck with your teeth and you look like Wilfred Brambell. & 3) Tis better for the environment.
Did you know that 3m coffees are imbibed by the Queensland masses per day? NO. You didn’t because you are a sheep being led to the slaughter waiting to stuff more French Fries in yer gob. Well, to accurately calculate how many of those coffees are Long Blacks, extrapolate the figures thusly, with standard deviation of so-and-so, carry the one over, divide by pi, stroke it till it makes sense and the final result is …. oh no, that’s far too low. Using the Today Tonight methodology of calculating statistics, 3m coffees drunk in Queensland are long blacks. Official!
Shots of Coffee: Number of Litres Saved: 1.35million litres per day.
There you go…17.75m litres of water per day saved in Queensland - 6.5 billion litres a year to those accountant types that like their figures annualised. Every little helps, yes!
