Apparently, there are 4.1m fellow cloven hoofed lovelies like me in this beautiful corner of the world we know and love to call Queensland. The water commissioner has ignored the signal of pissloads of water falling from the heavens in my district known as the Hinze Dam Catchment Area and decided that Level 5 Water Restrictions will be upon us soon.

Naturally, the restrictions are baby boomer orientated like ‘No One-Armed Watering Of Begonias On A Wednesday (or on days when you play Pokies)’ variety and don’t matter a blind bit of piss to the rest of us normal people. You know, the people who actually go to work and drive the economy forward. *Unseats himself from high-horse*.

I have devised 3 restrictions that would work infinitely better than the ones our Water Commissioner has come up with. On a more defamatory note, how can you take advice from someone who hasn’t seen their own feet since the Hawke Administration? You can’t…

Water Saving Tip #1: Drink Beer Instead Of Water. For every glass of water you want to drink, consume a beer (imported or interstate essential to conserve those local drops). This helps the dam levels but also helps the local bottleshop economy and beer producers of the world. Hurrah!! Even though you are supposed to drink 8 glasses a day, it would be safe to say if you average it out, consumption is more like 2 glasses per person max.

Trade Water For Beer: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day.
- - - - - -

Water Saving Tip #2: Consider In-Shower Urination Socially Acceptable.

If everyone in Queensland sprung a leak whist taking their daily shower they would save 4 litres a day on a half-flush. That said, unofficially, half of the population of the world already ‘dirty their feet’ in the shower. So, females x 4 litres is yer saving.

Piss In The Shower: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day.
- - - - - -

Water Saving Tip #3: Drink Short Blacks Instead Of Long Blacks : To non-Australians this has nothing to do with opting for a Gary Coleman instead of a Michael Jordan. No! This is choosing an espresso over an espresso topped up with water. The reasons to change are threefold. 1) The amount of caffeine is identical even though you are taking on board 350ml less water. 2) Long Blacks fuck with your teeth and you look like Wilfred Brambell. & 3) Tis better for the environment.

Did you know that 3m coffees are imbibed by the Queensland masses per day? NO. You didn’t because you are a sheep being led to the slaughter waiting to stuff more French Fries in yer gob. Well, to accurately calculate how many of those coffees are Long Blacks, extrapolate the figures thusly, with standard deviation of so-and-so, carry the one over, divide by pi, stroke it till it makes sense and the final result is …. oh no, that’s far too low. Using the Today Tonight methodology of calculating statistics, 3m coffees drunk in Queensland are long blacks. Official!

Shots of Coffee: Number of Litres Saved: 1.35million litres per day.

There you go…17.75m litres of water per day saved in Queensland - 6.5 billion litres a year to those accountant types that like their figures annualised. Every little helps, yes!