The Brisbane Window » Viva BrisVegas

Plagiarised on 10.07.07 by Russell Allen @ 6:00 pm

As I skulk around IKEA hunting out my favourite, carcinogenic, prefab meatball sauce, Graddsas, of course, I spy a bogan lady. She is standing from a sign 30 centimeters away from her enlarged noggin. In extremely large writing it says ‘Ginger Biscuits’. She has a box of them in her hand.

‘What are they?’, asks her equally bogan other half. He, with an inordinately small head. I suspect they could be twins split from the same ovum but unevenly, just like the Benedicts were in Twins. My suspicions are confirmed as he grabs her arse. Keep it in the family and all that.

‘Dunno. I don’t speak French’.

Planted In Window Box: Viva BrisVegas
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How To Overcomplicate A Very Uncomplicated System

Plagiarised on 14.11.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:17 pm

INT: JUST OUTSIDE BRISSIE IN A SHITTY, SHITTY SHOPPING CENTRE.

Russell Allen runs to Subway as he is hungry and it is the only non-toxic place for miles (or indeed kilometres).

R.A.: Can I have a 6 incher. Chicken Teriyaki, Toasted on ‘Erb Bread. Pulease!
Quite Possibly The Dumbest Cunt In Humanity: Can You Use The Kiosk?
R.A.: …
QPTDCIH: …
R.A.: The where?
QPTDCIH: The kiosk.
R.A.: I can’t see a kiosk.
QPTDCIH: Just in front of you.

*glance down at a touch screen*

R.A.: A kiosk is like a small hutty thing, containing an old man with a flat cap that ordinarily sells newspapers and chewing gum et cetera.
QPTDCIH: …
R.A.: This is a screen. Kiosks don’t normally feature screens. Operatic radio maybe…
QPTDCIH: Can you order using the kiosk.
R.A.: If I could see a kiosk I would use it. Can I just order through you?
QPTDCIH: No. The kiosk has been installed to help with ordering.
R.A.: I told you my order. Can you not take it?

*Looks around*

R.A.: I’m the only person here. There’s not even anyone next door or the place after.
QPTDCIH: No. The kiosk has been installed to help with ordering. And it makes the process quicker.
R.A.: Quicker?!!? You haven’t even taken my order yet and in any other Subway we’d be done by now. I’d be on my third friggin cookie.
QPTDCIH: …
R.A.: OK.

*Looks at screen and reads one word*

R.A.: I’ve got a problem.
QPTDCIH: What’s that? Can I help?
R.A.: I can’t read.
QPTDCIH: Yes you can. You read the menu on the way in.
R.A.: I didn’t. I was looking at the pictures.
QPTDCIH: …
R.A.: Besides, even if I could read, which I cannot, I’ve got no fingers. I only know about kiosks because my dad used to hold the newspaper and read it to me
QPTDCIH: …

*Dumbest Cunt Looks At My Hands*

QPTDCIH: You have fingers.
R.A.: Yes, I physically have fingers but I can’t use them. See.

*bends over and pats shoelaces in a flaccid manner*

R.A.: I can’t even tie my shoelaces. I need my friend who’s driving the car the feed me the sub while I’m…he’s driving. I even have to carry the sandwich with my elbows. It’s very difficult. You’ll even have to get the money out of my pocket.
QPTDCIH: Are you serious?
R.A: No. But if I was were you going to take my friggin order?
QPTDCIH: …

*Looks at screen again. Presses a few things*

R.A: What’s Carrot?
QPTDCIH: …

Planted In Window Box: Viva BrisVegas
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A Short History of Shopping (in 4 short acts)

Plagiarised on 25.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 7:20 pm

ACT I

*approach counter at Boost Juice*
RA: Can you get me a regular Coconut Raspberry Ripe please, Squire.
Spotty Oik: That’s $5.40. What’s your name?
RA: Why? There’s no-one else here?
SO: So when it’s ready I can give it to you.
RA: …
*turns around and no-one in sight*
SO: …
RA: It’s Russell.
SO: OK Russell, it’ll be ready in a minute.
*one minute passes*
*Spotty Oik approaches counter where I’m stood*
SO: *shouts* JUICE FOR RUSSELL!
RA: I’m just here, thanks.

ACT II

*walks out of KMart without purchasing any items*
Teen Security Girl: Can I check your bag?
RA: Go ahead
*cursory look*
TSG: Thanks
RA: What’s in my bag?
TSG: Sorry.
RA: You checked my bag. What did you find? What’s in my bag?
TSG: Umm…I don’t know.
RA: There’s two items in there and you looked in my bag, so what’s in there?
TSG: Toothpaste?
RA: No!
*walks off*

ACT III

Stupid As A Post Posh Bird: How much is this Papaya?
Stupid As A Post Posh Fruit Seller: I’ll just weigh it for you…$16.
RA: …
SAAPPB: $16!
SAAPPFS: They are $9.99 a kilo and it weighs 1.6 kilos so $16. At the moment both papayas and bananas are dear because of the ruined harvest.
SAAPPB: Oh, I wanted bananas as well.
SAAPPFS: Those four madam? Together the bananas and the papaya come to $37.20.
RA: You’re not spending $40 on 5 pieces of fruit are you?
SAAPPB: … umm, I am
RA: Idiot

ACT IV

*walks in Tiffany & Co*
*stands at counter as six members of staff looking industrious but not serving me*
*two or so minutes pass*
Tiffany Mole: Are you in need of assistance, sir?
RA: Well, yeah, actually I wanted to get a couple of those rings but since firstly, you are all abjectly lazy and I couldn’t reward such behaviour with you actually receiving a commission, no that just wouldn’t be cricket, and secondly, on closer inspection they actually look like crap so I’ve decided to give it a miss and treat myself to a day spa. Later.
TM: …

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I Love Orange Traffic Lights

Plagiarised on 14.05.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:54 pm

This was the standard of conversation on Saturday night as I seduced a 20 year old slightly above average-looking girl and her 19 year old less average-looking sister. It was fun in a train smash kinda way.

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Do Numbers Even Go Up That High?

Plagiarised on 14.01.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:31 am

I went to see my new BrisVegas-based lawyers yesterday. No, I’m not getting a divorce or have Mesothelioma and want James Hardie to pay or neither have I ever played a part in a hit and run. No! All I need done are 8 contracts drawn up. Stuff to indemnify me if things start going tits up.

Things Are Looking Like They Might Start Going Tits Up

Here’s an admission…I don’t have much experience with lawyers. I’ve always tried to keep them at arm’s length because of the have the reputation of sucking you dry like Jodie Marsh on Big Brother. I started getting a bit of heartburn as interaction went a bit like this…

R.A. : So could you give me a ballpark figure of how much these contracts will cost?
Lawyer: No, I’m afraid not.
R.A.: No clue at all?
Lawyer: I couldn’t even hazard a guess.
R.A.: Not even a guess, eh?
Lawyer: There is a LOT of drafting involved…
R.A.: Mmm…so how many hours?
Lawyer: Let me run some numbers through my spreadsheet and I can give you a full quotation. Can I say at this juncture that we do value you as a client and we would not want to alienate you by giving you a huge bill to begin with…
R.A.: …erm…thanks…I think…How do you mean ‘to begin with’?

OK, I am fuckin scared now…$10,000? $25,000? $125,000? Put me out of my friggin misery, please!

Tits Well And Truly Up…Hello Mr Lawyer

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Mindless Marching Decimates South American Economies

Plagiarised on 15.11.05 by Russell Allen @ 12:11 pm

There’s some march on against the something or other. Some kind of horrific injustice like ‘no free milk for kids’. I don’t know. The humble march is a funny old thing. They don’t begin because of a particular cause but in fact marches derive from the collective horniness in the lefties that a critical mass is caused by unkempt hair and khakis and the hot love ensues.

This may seem all well and good with another surge in birth rates approximately 40 weeks hence. Note to future readers if you were born around August 2006 you were a march love baby. Poor you. You’re probably called Rainbow, Asteroid or Trevor or something. However, this grubby love-in has had a massive knock-on effect to the poor economies of South America. Shame on you shaggers.

Even Pikey Coffee Shops Have Been Emptied By The Great Unwashed

Reports from the coffee shop owners in Brunswick Mall are that sales are down 90%, but on the whole a nicer class of people are venturing into the establishments now as chances of picking up some kind of transmittable, terminal disease have shortening massively.

Marching Forces Emily’s Cafe To Switch To A Donut King

Vanessa at Aroma’s in the Wintergarden exclaimed that she didn’t even know that Australia had money in non-coin form as she has only ever seen 5c and 10c coins before. She also screamed when she saw my white hands. It also transpired she believed humans were actually born with fingerless gloves.

Howard Asks Aliens To Turn Marchers Into Tables and Chairs Because Of Their Insolance

Bean growers in African nations like Kenya are asking for an emergency UN session to make Australia stop their latte drinkers marching. Kofi has promised to send in Hans Blix in to the Victorian region to gather evidence that bland, over-coiffured, faux-italians in over-priced T-shirts are still sipping macchiatos otherwise a new UN resolution would have to be passed so airstrikes could commence.

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Windies Give It Gusto

Plagiarised on 06.11.05 by Russell Allen @ 6:12 pm

Just watched the West Indies get smashed at the Gabba. This result was never in any doubt but after they were skittled over in two sessions I had the feeling they could have been auditioning for the stage version of this classic album…

Windies Confused That Air-Guitars Are Made of Willow In Australia

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Tolerable Wretches (and getting them drunk)