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Plagiarised on 08.07.07 by Russell Allen @ 8:23 pm
You know how like in Egyptian times they would carve depictions of how life was like back in them days? Cats with pointy ears, sitting on pots of gold with big fuck-off eyes winking down on ‘em. Well, I’m glad they don’t do it now because the Great Pyramid Of Cheops would have pictures of me, stark bollock naked, playing air sax to the theme of Boston Legal. Bau-bau-ba-da-da-ba-da-da!! Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 3 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 14.06.07 by Russell Allen @ 10:54 am
Ever since the skinny wretch has grown her hair back, she’s just had her nose in my fridge the whole friggin time. I say to Kylie - ‘Look! Do you really wanna be a fat chick like you were back when you sticking jiffy bags over Hutchence’s head while tossing him off?? No! I didn’t think so. Take your tongue out of Newman’s Own Ranch bottle and stick yer lips around this one. Boobs down, arse up, the old fashioned way!”
Anarchy Lives In Kylie’s Arse. Fact! Needless to say I am still miffed at the fact she insists on having loads of gallic stuff around considering she is supposed to be over Martinez. Fuckin leftover Pommes Frites with Anchovies! That is why I play ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’ by her ex, the legend, Jason Donovan. She doesn’t like that one little bit. I liken the success of Minogue in favour of the far superior Donovan as one of life’s great mysteries. On a par with Mark Chapman shooting Lennon when Ono was stood two feet away from him. Were you confused, Chapman?! Well, were you!!!! I mean, how difficult could it have been?
Yoko Has Two Heads! Quick, Shoot The Top One! Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 9 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 20.05.07 by Russell Allen @ 9:55 am
Due to the slack nature of my conversing with you, the general public, I managed to miss my two year anniversary. Nads. Now I know why they call it the terrible two’s. It’s all resembles shite. In other news, I am sincerely shocked and appalled at the butt-plugs size availablity. If you need a plug that big you should be clinically dead or constantly on the khazi. Either that or ask the bloke from Deal or No Deal to insert his melon right up there for a spot of loaf roasting Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 3 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 04.04.07 by Russell Allen @ 11:21 am
*farts* Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 11 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 27.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 1:40 pm
Middle-class America is full of emotionally-retarded knobheads who are scared of dying. This is why most chubby, wannabee lezzers are now tuning to Grey’s Anatomy. If you are unfortunate enough to tune into both Oprah and GA then clearly you are a chubby, wannabe lezzer who is an emotionally retarded knobhead who is scared of dying. Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 27 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 15.02.07 by Russell Allen @ 8:03 am
Number of Valentine Cards = 0 I was excited at this as this was the first valentine msg I had received since 1998. Get in there!! I shouldn’t have been. It was from a spambot trying to pawn love pills onto me. I don’t need love pills. I am now a lesbian. I am refraining from washing and chopping my pubes. I will persist in wearing several shades of khaki mixed with pink at all times and wear silly little badges saying ‘Prefect’ or ‘The Mighty Mighty Bosstones 2001′. I will develop acne and purchase an oversized helmet on which to ride my scooter. I will always carry a quart of kerosene with me and a box of matches in case I get angry at another lezzer or I may use it on myself as I will be so depressed from the lack of cock I am getting. Labia lickin and dry rootin is never as satisfying … ever. But this is what I am resigned to in my new choice. I will read loads and loads of crappy books from the gay literature section. Though I may have to contend that DH Lawrence was as camp as a row of tents just so I have an excuse to read about Lady Chatterley getting done by the tradesman up his so-called entrance. I will have posters of Kylie up on my wall and flick off to it while I eat packet after packet of Double Choc Tim Tams and scullin can after can of Slimline Coke cos it will make me beautiful just like Kylie. I will send Olivier Martinez a thank-you note for being a shitty love-rat to our Kylie and this may be the relationship that finally turns the pop princess into a lezzer just like me. I will read copies of DNA magazine under the guise of being a lezzer just so I can perve at the pics of hot hot boys covered in olive oil and imagine their greasy fingers in my dry unkempt pussy. I will not be able to contain myself as I sit down on a sofa in Borders with my copy of DNA pretending to read about David the gay farmer from Big Brother’s struggle with city life when in fact I am looking at the page opposite of a mock male threesome and violating myself with a Hello Kitty pen through my corduroy dungarees. I will not buy the Hello Kitty pen as it is now greasy, smells a wee bit and is covered in wiry pubes. And just like every lesbian I’ll do all those things, even if it is to my detriment, just so I can avoid doing something really, really simple. Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 18 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 11.02.07 by Russell Allen @ 9:08 am
5 things actually… 1. Shrove Tuesday was again a triumph of baked goods over common sense. Engorged? Yes. Satisfied? Never!!! *Note: For those not in the know, I fuckin love Pancake Day 2. Noosa, on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast is a cosmic centre of camel toe. There must be more camel toe per capita in Noosa than any other place on earth. Possible reasons are (a) the fitness freaks are out in force and can’t help slipping fabric up their flanges (b) their collective flanges are humungous, or (c) there was a coach trip from Rockhampton in town. Could be all three even… 3. Slimline Coke cans are fully gay. Nuff said. 4. I’ve been let into the inner sanctum of a brothel. You could say I was working there and not in a ‘3 digits in the jacksi’ capacity neither. Brothels need business consultants too. Believe it or not I have decided to accept cash as payment and not 10 grands worth of gift certificates. Someone throw me a hot water bottle and a blue pill please. 5. My dad has had the same pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers he had since well before the Cruiser and his shit-eatin grin, threw on a pair for seven-eights of the running time of Top Gun. Needless to say he has gone over the top of uncool to be absolutely cool. More to the point, how the frickin hell can anyone keep the same pair of sunglasses of over 21 years and not break / lose / drop / flush ‘em down the khazi in a fit of drug-induced pique? Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 8 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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My Dad
kinda looks like Christopher Moltisanti. Pow!