The Brisbane Window » Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen

Plagiarised on 20.07.07 by Russell Allen @ 1:52 pm

This weekend. 2,000 horny American males will descend onto Bris Vegas ready to spread their man seed.

I’m going to get myself some head. Luckily, the males of Sydney have broken them in already so they should be match fit. Yummo!

Just The Seven Of You? Park Them One At A Time Please

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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Hello World! (The Era Of Dull Diaries)

Plagiarised on 08.06.07 by Russell Allen @ 8:07 am

I have been distinctly absent around these parts. It is remiss of me but, believe it or not, I have been, as fibbing charlatans say to their loved ones, busy.

Too busy to regale you with stories of buttery baked items, thumb buggery and Jude Law’s thinning hairline? Is that possible, I hear you say?

I have been so busy with the do-ing of the stuff that I had decided to keep a mirror diary of Paris Hilton’s stay in jail. Since she’s gonna get paid a mil-five for producing one, I’ll do one for you for free and not only that, if you order in the next five minutes you also get free all the exact same content, plot lines and twists that you’d expect from a Pazza Hilton thriller.

Day One: Holy Shit!

Day Two: My Tummy Hurts, Yo!

Day Three: Yay!

Aren’t you glad I saved you $24.95. I thought so…

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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In The Kingdom Of The Gays

Plagiarised on 02.04.07 by Russell Allen @ 4:14 pm

OK…I’m not totally bent. I may sometimes show a pink mannerism from time to time but I promise it is from all the Elton John I listened to as a child. Those crazy specs of his…oh, what a larrikin.

Sometimes, the overall gayness is much lower than the sum of its gay parts and on closer analysis I am as camp as a row of tents during Splendour-style shenanigans.

1. Gayest Music I Own
It’s difficult to gauge as I own some properly bent music which the gays go mad for, you know Erasure, Steps and the like. However, they are easy targets because there is a knowing gayness to it. Like owning them is a knowingly effete glance to those who chin stroke appalling progressive music for the sake of some misplaced, post-modern exclamation. No… Fuck that! I own some Natasha Bedingfield. There I said it.

2. Gayest Book I Own
Again, I’ve got male nudes falling off the shelves and properly bent authors like Mark Latham. Naturally, this is literary equivalent of buying craploads of toothpaste to hide the fact you need to buy some Canesten for your burning cunt. I own Learn Visual Basic 6. I quote…”The hardest part of the challenge ahead of you is making the workspace larger than the parameters you are given”. If that isn’t a ‘cock in arse’ metaphor I don’t know what is.

3. Gayest Piece of Clothing I Own
So many to choose from. Discard all the flowery prints. They are so gay that they are now straight. I have loud ties and colourful socks but when it boils down to it, it’s the Greco-Roman Wrestling outfit that outs me every time.

4. Gayest Holiday I’ve Been On
I had the misfortune once of going camping. I hate camping. I would rather spend a week in a 3×3 jail cell with a russian mobster than go camping. Tents are shite, lukewarm food and drink is shite, chemical khazis are shite and really hurt if you when raining down with heavy artillery, but worst of all is having 60 year old men trawl around from tent to tent, knocking on flimsy doors and asking to peep in. “Throw a dollar in the slot, old man and then we’re in business”

5. Gayest TV Programme I Watch
Of course, Grey’s Anatomy would turn me lez instantly but fortunately I don’t watch it. I’ve still got memories of Patrick Dempsey in crappy teen movies to consider him even remotely bootilicious. Antiques Roadshow comes a close second in my list but no-one can convince me that the two brothers in Supernatural aren’t partaking some brotherly love. If not, then consider my talisman well and truly fingered.

6. Gayest Memory From Early Adultdom
He said that the prickles wouldn’t hurt and that we should try something new. I thought he was on some sort of cactus-lovin, horticulture tip at the moment. I didn’t know he actually wanted to pash my face off. He tried to get me to drink chardonnay, lots of it. At the time, any booze was good booze. I didn’t quite know why he smiled when I told him ‘I had to get my pool cue from out the back’. There were attractive young girls dripping off the walls that night. Enough for me to completely ignore everything he said and hit back with auto-pilot responses.
“Do you fancy me?”
“Mmm…yeah…you’re not wrong…this place is awesome…”
“You’re exactly the kind of young guy I go for”
“Mmm…yeah…I hear ya…yeah…that’s a good one…”
“Come back to mine for a fuck?”
“Of course, of course! … yeah … I get what you say, but I missed that last bit … too much background going on”

7. Gayest Moment I Experienced When The Other Person Had No Idea There Was A Gay Moment Going On
S-Club7 played live at some club night. His name was Sebastian. When the band finished their set, Bradley left a bottle of Evian on stage. Sebastian climbed on stage, ran mincingly to the bottle and dived on it, his arse pointed up in the air for a moment longer than is decent. He skipped back and exclaimed in a quite effiminate way, “OH! MY! GOD!!! I got it, I got it, I got it! And…I can tell YOU want it?”. His arms spasmed a long flourish as if he were a rhythmic gymnist twirling a ribbon. “Erm…No. You keep it” I replied.

8. Gayest One-on-One Piece Of Man Action
Other than being sucked off by a man, tonguing another man until your face is red raw from the stubble rash and fucking another man in the jacksi I have never had one single gay experience…at all…never. Honest guv…

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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Ever Since Xanadu I Really Wanted To Roller Skate

Plagiarised on 24.05.06 by Russell Allen @ 11:41 am

I still can’t. Is this fact at the core of my increasingly increasing disappointment?

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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Just Keep Him On The Line One Second Longer…

Plagiarised on 17.05.06 by Russell Allen @ 5:44 pm

Hey you! Oh, oh, oh!! What’s that lurking around your pants eh? I recall something similar to that jumpin up and biting ol’ Cleopatra in the tit…Poor Bitch! Bang! Bitch goes down!! You can really see it slithering around down there. Bring it here, closer. Come on, I can’t see…well I can see but I want it right here so I can practically smell it. Closer. Let me snuffle around like a boar searching for truffles, morels and other pungent champignons of the forest.

Mmm, not what I expected… smells like Peppermint Wednesdays all over again. Have you been conditioning yourself with Baddedas? … That’s what former US Open champion, Chrissie Evert used to douche her mufty with. Whenever she went out in the middle of 10,000 of Flushing Meadow you could smell the freshness of her cunt. For real.

Sweet Crying Mary Mother Superior of the Conceptia Immaculata, have you been stealing from the lumber yard again? I guess that’s how they measure Two by Fours at Bunnings. That vein is like an Amazonian tributary engorged during the height of the rainy season. The canopy empties into the river and flows into the ocean that is my mouth.

And what’s that underneath? Tell me. That’s not possible. Not fruit. Fruit are much smaller. Have you not seen Apricots, Peachs, Plums and Pears. Not that yours are pear shaped. No! They’re much larger. Bigger. Huge-r! You look like you’re straddling two globes from the National Geographic Store. No motorcycle riding for you or you’ll just slide right off the top. Do you like the throb of a Harley between you? Noisy, loud engine vibrating so. Speaking of sliding, riding and vibrating, when are you gonna let me have a go with your toolbox? As soon as I saw it I knew it wasn’t standard issue. A lot of care has gone into this one. That’s a really tidy looking set you have there. Is that a ratchet or a monkey wrench…and do you think it will fit in my ass?

Phone Sex Operator - Apply now. Adult entertainment - Same Sex. Earn between 80c and $1.20 per minute.

Dya think I’d be any good?

Your Apparatus Is Very Sensuous. Tapering Down From It’s Bulbous Aperture And Ending With A Wide, Firm Base.

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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Another Shred Of Evidence To Add To The Pink Book

Plagiarised on 09.05.06 by Russell Allen @ 6:44 pm

OK…the internet is officially shit. Firstly, it consists of 17 gazillion pages of rubbish…and Google is expert enough to rank every single chuffin page in order of importance. I can do that for you now…0.001 gazillion pages are important, 16.999 gazillion pages are unimportant. Fact!!

One example, of this - the friggin Celebrity Looky-likey site tells you who you resemble, you know, in the genes like…

Wow! Can the internet really do that…Erm…No! How ’bout a cackhanded attempt at sourcing a worthless mailing list for potential profit…ah-ha I put a fake email address in…na-na…Losers!!!

Behold the chuffin results in reverse order…apparently I have a between 60-70% resemblance with the folks listed below.

Andy Roddick
My Serve Is Shite. Official!

Hugh Grant
Er, well, er, but, you see, I’m not sure, erm, fuckity-fuck. I am nothing, erm, like, erm, how can you say, Hugh Grant. Except of course, erm, I am English and I’ve, erm, how do you say, had a gobby from a black chick in a car in LA.

Darth Vader, The Younger
So I got a big ol mouth but I ain’t no preppie OK!

Eric Bana
I have been exposed to too many Gamma rays and shit, that I’ve offically turned into Russell friggin Allen

Mark Ruffalo
I bear more than a passing resemblance perhaps - out of this list anyway.

And Dya wanna know who I resemble most. Drum Roll, Please!! Da-Da!!!

Kate chuffin Winslet
I have got a big aperture…It’s true. And I love Shakespeare…and my favourite song is ‘I Touch Myself’ by The Divinyls

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
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The Man Bang List

Plagiarised on 24.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 12:16 pm

After reading the lesbian list at tale-teller’s Mez’s house, I vowed that I too would produce my own pink list. I know some people have been expecting it for some time. OK, so I can be the gayest straighty alive from time to time (and occassionally I peer into the toilet bowl and think “Sheesh! I coulda been a great gay. So much capacity”. So, what kinda fellas would take my fancy? Well it is a veritble smorgasboard of hunk and non-hunkdom. No pics attached so search for yourselves you lazy buggers.

The Man Bang List

Goran Visnijc
Hey, everyone says Clooney (though I’d prefer him as a friend than a shag) but this muthafucka gets my vote everytime in the man meat stakes. It’s that swarthy eastern european look. I have fantasies of him galloping through my village in medieval times, picking out a young squire to take with him into battle. Pick me Goran! Pick Me!!

Goran Ivanisevic
OK! So I only wanna fuck guys called Goran. It’s a Croatian thing I guess. He’s gotta crackin’ arm on him - just imagine the sheer fingering to velocity ratio. Best handjobby ever. Also, when he beat wet-fish of the century, Pat Rafter at Wimbledon and shed tears of glory I wanted him, right there and then, on centre court in front of the Duke and Duchess and Cliff Richard.

Pieter van der Hoogenband
The Dutch (with the Yanks a close second) are the hottest nation in bed. Fact!! They just seem to try harder than everyone else and seem to be really good at what they do. Cos of that and that he has that boyish good looks (especially when he has his specs on) I want to deflower his little arse off. If Thorpie or Hackett wanted to watch they could. But they’d have to stay in the corner and play with themselves, or each other.

Joel Parkinson
I’m not really into Aussie males cos most of them talk funny but pro-surfer Parko is superhot. I’m kinda hot for Fanning too but he looks really similar to one of my best mates, Scrotes, and even though I’ve seen him naked on many an occassion, shagging him? Eeeew!

AA Gill
You may not know him…he is known for being a restaurant critic for a newspaper with low circulation in the UK. He is also known for being a bit of man about town. A Cad. A Bounder. A Gentleman. A Scholar. A Pretentious Twat. A Genius. All correct descriptions that together with his public school accent toffishness makes him hotter than most men on earth. Also, his knowledge on all things banal make him great pillow talk potential. Not that the fucker would be able to get a word in edgeways.

Denzel Washington
Even though he’s getting a bit long in the tooth you can’t deny Denzel is one sexy mutha. We could do a reprise of that famous whuppin scene in Glory except I’m the one trussed up and he gotta bullwhip made of rubber. Dang!

Bob Harper
Work me, Bob! Work me! Harder! Two More! And One! Shake It Off! Shake It Off! And Relax! Let’s Go Again But This Time, Twice The Intensity

Owen Wilson
The Hair. The Nose. The Winning Smile. The Hot Brothers. Soooo many things are pointing in the right direction for this guy it’s not funny. In fact he is funny. Last one to the spa is a rotten egg!

Richard Quest
Falls into the same category as AA Gill. His segments on CNN are my absolute favourite. Rewind! And oh yeah, money shot time! And now time for the weather! *tissues*

Zane Lowe
Another swarthy type, Kiwi guy, hosts some urban music thang on MTV Europe. Hot looking, nice voice, vaguely interesting but the main reason is that I’ve never shagged a Z before.

People who used to be on the list but have fallen out of favour.

Huey from Fun Lovin Criminals
Turned into Augustus Gloop just after the last album. Shame!

Paul Walker
So you are hot and you’re probably really good in bed but…if you appear in another movie featuring animals we’re gonna start thinking you’re a wet fuckin fish.

David Beckham
He is faarckin’ hot but for chrissakes keep your mouth shut. Unless it’s got my cock in it of course…

Wil Anderson
Thought I wanted to bend him over a chaise longue when I heard him on radio, then the TV appearances came thick and fast and the passion died away. Being juxtaposed between Hughesy and ‘Is She a Fella’ Corrine doesn’t make you more attractive by default. Well it does but I can see through the smoke and mirrors. Duck face!

Any AFL Player (inc. Frysy)
Though you all look kinda hot I don’t want to stand on a Yellow Pages just to kiss the underside of your balls.

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Tolerable Wretches (and getting them drunk)