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Plagiarised on 05.10.06 by Russell Allen @ 10:55 pm
She’s not you know. Even with that ‘oh-so-convincing-come-hither-eye-n-thigh’. And even though your web page may allude to the fact she is your friend, she is not. If she saw you in the street she would mace you in the fuckin eye and then follow it up with a greeny extracted from her silicon-enhanced lung.
This also applies to Puff Daddy, Molly Sims, Benicio Del Toro, Sting, Hulk Hogan, Linda McCartney, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Least Gay Scissor Sister, Prime Minister Tony Blair, Borat, A Bacon Doublecheeseburger and a low-end 7 Series BMW. They are not your friends. None of them are. Well Desmond might be but only cos he has to. Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 21 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 04.10.06 by Russell Allen @ 11:02 pm
Today I had to delete 961 spambotty comments. Unlike most of you cunts mine channels me directly. Some regular readers may recognise some of the vocab used. Fo real! Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 29 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 25.08.06 by Russell Allen @ 2:05 pm
It has become patently clear to me that the ‘community art project’ that is PostSecret is a forum for graphic designers to show off their wares. If I had to guess, about 90% of the cards on show are fakies…of the ‘I dont eat onions because they make me cry’ variety and look at me demonstrate this thought through this cool montage of images and non-standard fonts I’ve chosen to use.
I mean, I’ve experienced real people in my life and most have appalling handwriting as if they write with their middle toes and those who realise their disability rarely use any font other than Comic Sans and even if they had sussed out writing, colours would be clashing and images would be rotten like an alt.com quim. Of course, the majority of cards on display have great legible handwriting or use Punch Label font, or better still, something created by Jonathan Barnsbrook like Exocet or Mason. These fuckin high-end, ‘didn’t I see that shit on The Matrix’ fonts cost money - a fair amount of money…unless you live in Thailand of course. So, Yeah man! While I’m at it, I’m soooo desparate to rid myself of this ‘dreadful’ secret of mine I’ll write it on a postcard and send it to that PostSecret guy and in the ‘discovery’ process I’ll fuckin spend $700 on Adobe Illustrator and see how I get on. Especially since I am visually dyslexic and shit.
Bugger my visual dyslexia I’ll drop my new found skills of stripping backgrounds from photos to good use and pretend I have a deep and dark secret - I put coke-flavoured Chupa Chups in my ass then give them to children that annoy me - or behold the fake ‘fessions I just threw together here. Bollocks to it!
STOP PRESS: Contribute to the first turn of the revolution. On the sidebar you’ll find the PostSecret Rebellion Page. This will display your Anti-Postsecret guff if you want to submit. Get creating you swine!! DOUBLE STOP PRESS: Our first two submissions have arrived. You naughty buggers. These have also been posted to the permanent PostSecret Rebellion Page.
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Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 27 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 18.08.06 by Russell Allen @ 1:52 am
The title of the post is to divert you from the fact this is the most pointlessly retarded exercise ever but is why I have embraced the quest with reckless friggin abandon. The Guv outlined the task at hand. In summary - 1. Grab the nearest book. As you can see a fuckin pointless an exercise as sharpening pencils with a fuckin steamed asparagus spear. The findings are this… From my reading bean-bag (oh yes I am one of THOSE people, a least I don’t have a cunting Swiss Ball) the closest book is Animal Farm by the lege himself George Orwell (nee Eric Blair - why did you change your name from Eric I’ll never figure out). Turn to page 123. A-Ha! Only 95 pages. Bollocks!
So, to the next book along on the shelf…Piranha by John Sayles…Cool with a capital K. To show how cool this book is, you can buy a copy from Amazon second hand for $0.01. That’s US 1 cent which is approximately 1.25 Australian cents for all those la-di-da Double Bay-er’s out there. The novel was such a hit it became a B-grade horror movie with an all-star cast and Bradford Dillman in the lead. BRADFORD muthafuckin DILLMAN! If that name wasn’t destined for great things I don’t know what name would be? Steve Martin!?!? Pah!! Isn’t he a fishmonger now?
So, after being sidetracked by the illustrious cast members of said movie I move onto Page 123.
Tits!! Unlucky for me - the title page for Chapter 13 with fabbo consistant piranha artwork. Boo-yaa! So, I grab the next book…The Male Nude. A pictorial. Have a guess what’s on page 123. No, not cock, unfortunately for you laydeez. In fact, it’s an old pic from almost 100 years ago. Completely unsexy. Unlike the stuff post 1980’s…Phwoah!! *squelch*
Arse! OK…do I have any books that have words on Page 123 or books with words at all for that matter. I skip past my Pantone Colour Book since that literally only has colours in it. Like loads of ‘em seriously. The next book along is ‘Le Caprice’. The cookbook of the famous Mayfair restaurant. Come on Page 123, have some words, even if it’s just a recipe for Chicken Stock. I’d do anything right now…
Are you fucking serious! A woman eating a raw fillet of fuckin mackeral. A Woman Eating A Raw Fillet Of FUCKIN Mackeral. Fucks sakes. The next book on the shelf is Saving Face. It’s a liars guide to life. Excellent book as it tells you how to get out of scrapes without looking like a knob. I turn to Page 123 and am greeted by words. Woo-hoo! Get in biatches! Words and shit, yeah! I follow the rules and here follows a passage on ‘How To Get Rid Of Unwanted Guests’
Wasn’t it worth it in the end?!?!?! Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 21 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 14.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 4:40 pm
People I know who know other people are having trouble getting a refund from Epson. The result? The blog that made a multi-national crumble to its knees. Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 20 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 30.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 5:01 pm
Year One: Top Ten Search Terms 1. lindsay lohan panties At least you can’t say I don’t give my audience what they want… Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 22 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 28.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 8:38 pm
In a few hours I’ll be one year old. Well, I won’t be since I have a fairly sophisticated vocal capability that one year olds couldn’t possibly dream of, but the window will have remained unsmashed for a whole year. Woo-friggin-hoo! There was a fracture earlier when I lost the will to Windex but Autoglass managed to fix it up and normal service has sort of resumed. Some folks wonder where the frig some of the content is generated from. I subscribe into the school of creativity and scorchin’ hot cojones through aural torture. For one whole year I have lived in a world where I can hear nothing except this on continuous repeat…
You’ve Got Some Soil and Some Sun and All You Need Now Is A Little Water…I Said Water Not Sulphuric Acid, Fucko! You think that this is torture and it is…and why do I listen to these classic albums ad infinitum? Because I am forced too…you know all that stuff about me living of the Goldie? It’s true but I don’t live in a house. I do, but it is a former house. A year ago I went into the basement of client’s house to check their computer connection and smelt gas and didn’t think anything of it. My client asked me if I had a light and Kaboom the house only went and ruddy blew up around me. Nads! When I came to, I had eleventeen hundred ton of house precariously poised around me and all I could hear was Papa Don’t Preach. Shite!
Long Life Batteries A Godsend Though A St Bernard With A Cask Of Brandy Would Have Been Better. I’m not too concerned that I am stuck underground with a permanent internet connection, a flashlight and my two cd’s of mass destruction as I have mastered the goat’s trick. I can eat any muthafuckin thing that’s put in front of me. I once saw a goat in Indonesia eat a breeze block and tractor tyre because that was the only stuff available to chew on. Since I saw that I thought - Game On Niggaz! I’ll eat you all!! So, I have been slowly eating my way to freedom though I think that the asbestos and fibre-glass ceiling insulation is playing havoc with my skin. And the copper piping has been making my waistline expand but I try not to dwell on it. So, yeah, I have kinda had a lot of inspiration caused by a decaying cerebellum and the stuff I called drugs you can actually find in Bunnings (Aisle 13 to be precise). I actually really like it down here in my cave, the smell of piss, my witty conversation with my hand, the endless supply of concretey grub. It’s like Kontiki meets Club Med wrapped up at the Four Seasons times infinity plus one cubed. Awesome!! I do miss home though and my nice comfy bed but I’ve been stuck down here for a year already and another year is imminent. I wonder if the folks at San Quentin Correctional Facility have rented it out yet. I loved that studio.
Roomy Studio Apartment With Bay Windows And All Facilities Available. Bed Included And … Erm…Injection Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 17 Comments Behind The Sofa |
My Dad
kinda looks like Christopher Moltisanti. Pow!