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Plagiarised on 18.10.06 by Russell Allen @ 8:56 am
So some benevolent Swiss organisation, probably made up of downhill skiers, holey cheese eaters and folks with numbered bank accounts, has drafted a short-list of the New Seven Wonders Of The World. Like in many a reality TV process, there are 21 nominees and it gets whittled down to just 7. Fortunately, we don’t have to listen to the Great Wall Of China sing a big band tune or the Easter Island Statues pick out coloured bricks from shark-infested waters in order to get immunity. No, no, tis a simple vote and the 7 with the mostest will be crowned a freakin Wonder. View below a reject from the audition process:
I Think I Have A Real Chance Of Being Crowned A New World Wonder Because My Family And Their Friends Have Said I Am Gifted And I Touch People… 3 No?!!? I’ll Be Back… And When You See My Picture On The Cover Of The Magazines And I Sell Out Madison Square Garden After My Comeback Tour You’ll See The BIG Mistake You Made Now really, why the fuck is the Sydney Opera House on that shortlist? It is not a wonder, I’ve seen the architectural blueprints, you basically build it like a bog-standard house but you just need loads and loads of white tiles. Try it yourself. I’ve always thought for a wonder to be called a wonder you have to look at it and actually wonder how, why etc. The Eiffel Tower is on the shortlist and it should be because I always wonder when they are gonna build the building now the scaffolding is up. Again, the Statue of Liberty. Even though they showed how they did it, I still wonder how the Ghostbusters made the Liberty Lady walk using mood slime and a cover of Higher & Higher by Steve Winward. I mean she musta really hated Vigo The Carpathian to do all that especially after having to tolerate Bobby Brown do a piss-poor reprise of the original Ray Parker Jr title theme. Funnily enough, the whole point of this post when I sat down was to explain that Dr Peter Venkman is one of the greatest cultural influences on my life. I really do wonder if I managed to explain that properly. Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 25 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 14.10.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:13 pm
I had a call in the week, then a visit from a publicist representing this man.
Apparently, he’s shooting a movie in the fall and my house, even though it is a rental, has been deemed suitable for his stay over. I am setting up the hidden webcams as I write. STOP PRESS: It’s a no-go on the hot male celeb as one condition was all my furniture was put in storage so ‘more appropriate’ furniture could be arranged. I ain’t movin my paddling pool for no cunt. Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 36 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 04.09.06 by Russell Allen @ 5:36 pm
And it wasn’t even a 30ft reptillian thingy that killed him. Say it ain’t so, Australia. *sobs in paper hankie* Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 28 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 04.08.06 by Russell Allen @ 1:02 pm
The morally degenerative ‘Yasmin Getting Married’ has kicked off with a whimper on the old Ten. However, execs have let me in on the scheduled follow-up and spin-offs that will derive after the marriage of Yasmin with said cretin off RSVP.com.au. Yasmin’s Decision Is Met With Immediate Regret During The Reception Scratching the surface I tell thee. So much potential…as long as they get rid of the panel of drooling wristbiters withthe less than witty repartee. It’s like commercial radio, on TV, and with more ads. STOP PRESS: Much like the pulling of BB Adults Only cos the bible bashers and Barnaby Joyce dinnae like it, Ten have also refrained from airing - ‘Yasmin’s Soft Spadge Is Like Fucking A Bucket Of Warm Water’. Come On Ten! That was going to be the best one… Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 18 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 31.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 6:01 pm
The intense orangeness of Max’s shirt and Gretal’s face made me call the TV guy out to see if it was on the blink. It wasn’t. Worse still is that each BB contestant has been seen entering, and subsequently exiting, Chevron Island Tan for a spot of spray tanning. For any muppet to go the sauce knows that you start off slightly Bangadeshy looking, then overnight you turn to a beautiful shade of orange. Oh, you look soooo healthy, like a fuckin Clementine! Super sleuth Allen received reports that Perry is not loud and Krystal is; Gaelen is funny and Michael is not; Michael is strange as is Dino; Karen and Claire are nice; both Anna and Danielle are cunts and Anna is also as dumb as the proverbial post. Anyway the tide is turning so I’m sticking a line into the river and taking a bucket of alcopops with me. STOP PRESS: To the person who emailed me to suggest that Danielle is not a cunt, it has been noted that she spent 45 minutes on the phone sms’ing ‘Evict Camilla’. The hide of it!! Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 17 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 23.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 6:33 pm
If you ever wonder if the human race with implode because of the persistant moral decline caused by the likes of Pazza and Nizza Hilton, Nicole Richie, Kimberley Stewart, et al being space-wasting toerags and cunts like you ‘looking at the pictures’ of their banaldom and, may I add, paying for it, then wonder no longer as those little donkeys have nothing on tyrannical African governments for downright dastardliness and appalling behaviour. Apparently the British government gave the African nation of Malawi a sterling amount equivalent to $4million as an aid package because of all the poverty, health issues and general around decay that’s occuring in the country. The government proceded to buy 39 S-Class Mercedes-Benz with the cash…All bulletproof of course. Love that abuse of power. However, I thought they would have funded a new Malawi-an Lottery. Expect your winning email any day now. Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 27 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 16.06.06 by Russell Allen @ 4:13 pm
Well, take me to the Big Pineapple, bend me over and shaft me with it so I scream ‘Holy lovin sweet Jesus in Toyland, THAT hit the spot’. News just in that Jay-Z is boycotting Cristal. The decision comes after the boss of Louis Roederer allegedly mentioned that it’s posh booze was getting unsavoury and unwelcome attention from certain parts of society. Namely chicken-eatin homeboyz from the Bronx and others of their ilk. Jay-Z has finally come to his senses and is saying No to the Big C. He’s looking to change to Krug or the Dom. HELL-FUCKIN-O JAY-Z!! It might come in a nice yellow sheet of cellophane but frankly liking Cristal is similar to liking your girl/boy spit jizz back into your mouth after bum sex. An acquired taste but on the whole reasonably unpleasant. It’s tastes like you’re lickin a fuckin 2B pencil or swiggin Bulgari Eau de fuckin Toilette Pour Homme. Krug 91 pisses on Cristal from a great height and if you think you can mess with the Dom, well you’ve clearly been drinkin Dulux Weathershield thinking it was a rad new concotion from Boost or sum shite. The word on the street is that other rappers may follow suit. However, local talent The Hilltop Hoods have mentioned that they’ll stay on JD and Lemonade and Butterfingers wants only a couple cans of Carlton Midstrength for da afterpartay. Noise from over the Tasman is that Scribe is on the 42 Belows (Feijoa edition) but that’s only cos he’s a sceney biatch. Fo real. Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 25 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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My Dad
kinda looks like Christopher Moltisanti. Pow!