OK…I’m not totally bent. I may sometimes show a pink mannerism from time to time but I promise it is from all the Elton John I listened to as a child. Those crazy specs of his…oh, what a larrikin.

Sometimes, the overall gayness is much lower than the sum of its gay parts and on closer analysis I am as camp as a row of tents during Splendour-style shenanigans.

1. Gayest Music I Own
It’s difficult to gauge as I own some properly bent music which the gays go mad for, you know Erasure, Steps and the like. However, they are easy targets because there is a knowing gayness to it. Like owning them is a knowingly effete glance to those who chin stroke appalling progressive music for the sake of some misplaced, post-modern exclamation. No… Fuck that! I own some Natasha Bedingfield. There I said it.

2. Gayest Book I Own
Again, I’ve got male nudes falling off the shelves and properly bent authors like Mark Latham. Naturally, this is literary equivalent of buying craploads of toothpaste to hide the fact you need to buy some Canesten for your burning cunt. I own Learn Visual Basic 6. I quote…”The hardest part of the challenge ahead of you is making the workspace larger than the parameters you are given”. If that isn’t a ‘cock in arse’ metaphor I don’t know what is.

3. Gayest Piece of Clothing I Own
So many to choose from. Discard all the flowery prints. They are so gay that they are now straight. I have loud ties and colourful socks but when it boils down to it, it’s the Greco-Roman Wrestling outfit that outs me every time.

4. Gayest Holiday I’ve Been On
I had the misfortune once of going camping. I hate camping. I would rather spend a week in a 3×3 jail cell with a russian mobster than go camping. Tents are shite, lukewarm food and drink is shite, chemical khazis are shite and really hurt if you when raining down with heavy artillery, but worst of all is having 60 year old men trawl around from tent to tent, knocking on flimsy doors and asking to peep in. “Throw a dollar in the slot, old man and then we’re in business”

5. Gayest TV Programme I Watch
Of course, Grey’s Anatomy would turn me lez instantly but fortunately I don’t watch it. I’ve still got memories of Patrick Dempsey in crappy teen movies to consider him even remotely bootilicious. Antiques Roadshow comes a close second in my list but no-one can convince me that the two brothers in Supernatural aren’t partaking some brotherly love. If not, then consider my talisman well and truly fingered.

6. Gayest Memory From Early Adultdom
He said that the prickles wouldn’t hurt and that we should try something new. I thought he was on some sort of cactus-lovin, horticulture tip at the moment. I didn’t know he actually wanted to pash my face off. He tried to get me to drink chardonnay, lots of it. At the time, any booze was good booze. I didn’t quite know why he smiled when I told him ‘I had to get my pool cue from out the back’. There were attractive young girls dripping off the walls that night. Enough for me to completely ignore everything he said and hit back with auto-pilot responses.
“Do you fancy me?”
“Mmm…yeah…you’re not wrong…this place is awesome…”
“You’re exactly the kind of young guy I go for”
“Mmm…yeah…I hear ya…yeah…that’s a good one…”
“Come back to mine for a fuck?”
“Of course, of course! … yeah … I get what you say, but I missed that last bit … too much background going on”

7. Gayest Moment I Experienced When The Other Person Had No Idea There Was A Gay Moment Going On
S-Club7 played live at some club night. His name was Sebastian. When the band finished their set, Bradley left a bottle of Evian on stage. Sebastian climbed on stage, ran mincingly to the bottle and dived on it, his arse pointed up in the air for a moment longer than is decent. He skipped back and exclaimed in a quite effiminate way, “OH! MY! GOD!!! I got it, I got it, I got it! And…I can tell YOU want it?”. His arms spasmed a long flourish as if he were a rhythmic gymnist twirling a ribbon. “Erm…No. You keep it” I replied.

8. Gayest One-on-One Piece Of Man Action
Other than being sucked off by a man, tonguing another man until your face is red raw from the stubble rash and fucking another man in the jacksi I have never had one single gay experience…at all…never. Honest guv…