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Plagiarised on 27.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 1:40 pm
Middle-class America is full of emotionally-retarded knobheads who are scared of dying. This is why most chubby, wannabee lezzers are now tuning to Grey’s Anatomy. If you are unfortunate enough to tune into both Oprah and GA then clearly you are a chubby, wannabe lezzer who is an emotionally retarded knobhead who is scared of dying. Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 27 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 22.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 2:08 pm
Apparently, there are 4.1m fellow cloven hoofed lovelies like me in this beautiful corner of the world we know and love to call Queensland. The water commissioner has ignored the signal of pissloads of water falling from the heavens in my district known as the Hinze Dam Catchment Area and decided that Level 5 Water Restrictions will be upon us soon. Naturally, the restrictions are baby boomer orientated like ‘No One-Armed Watering Of Begonias On A Wednesday (or on days when you play Pokies)’ variety and don’t matter a blind bit of piss to the rest of us normal people. You know, the people who actually go to work and drive the economy forward. *Unseats himself from high-horse*. I have devised 3 restrictions that would work infinitely better than the ones our Water Commissioner has come up with. On a more defamatory note, how can you take advice from someone who hasn’t seen their own feet since the Hawke Administration? You can’t… Water Saving Tip #1: Drink Beer Instead Of Water. For every glass of water you want to drink, consume a beer (imported or interstate essential to conserve those local drops). This helps the dam levels but also helps the local bottleshop economy and beer producers of the world. Hurrah!! Even though you are supposed to drink 8 glasses a day, it would be safe to say if you average it out, consumption is more like 2 glasses per person max. Trade Water For Beer: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day. Water Saving Tip #2: Consider In-Shower Urination Socially Acceptable. If everyone in Queensland sprung a leak whist taking their daily shower they would save 4 litres a day on a half-flush. That said, unofficially, half of the population of the world already ‘dirty their feet’ in the shower. So, females x 4 litres is yer saving. Piss In The Shower: Number of Litres Saved: 8.2million litres per day. Water Saving Tip #3: Drink Short Blacks Instead Of Long Blacks : To non-Australians this has nothing to do with opting for a Gary Coleman instead of a Michael Jordan. No! This is choosing an espresso over an espresso topped up with water. The reasons to change are threefold. 1) The amount of caffeine is identical even though you are taking on board 350ml less water. 2) Long Blacks fuck with your teeth and you look like Wilfred Brambell. & 3) Tis better for the environment. Did you know that 3m coffees are imbibed by the Queensland masses per day? NO. You didn’t because you are a sheep being led to the slaughter waiting to stuff more French Fries in yer gob. Well, to accurately calculate how many of those coffees are Long Blacks, extrapolate the figures thusly, with standard deviation of so-and-so, carry the one over, divide by pi, stroke it till it makes sense and the final result is …. oh no, that’s far too low. Using the Today Tonight methodology of calculating statistics, 3m coffees drunk in Queensland are long blacks. Official! Shots of Coffee: Number of Litres Saved: 1.35million litres per day. There you go…17.75m litres of water per day saved in Queensland - 6.5 billion litres a year to those accountant types that like their figures annualised. Every little helps, yes! Planted In Window Box: Very GC Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 8 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 18.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 10:48 pm
I wasn’t fully aware of my environment when I was attempting to walk a straight line while stupidly attempting to simulataneous engage in a pitifully disengenious conversation with someone to my left. Blah! … Indeed, when someone says you look like a Picasso, that is not a compliment. … Really! The atomic radius of Rhodium is NOT 135 picometres! Well I never! … The inanity had created some kind of impenetrable miasma of homicidal rage that prevented me from taking notice of anyone else. I was on a mission. I needed to leave Sportsgirl. And quick. I sensed that the semi-tarded, ano wretch that was ahead of me in the aisle wasn’t sensing my impending collision with her. I hate it when you have to stand behind someone in an aisle for an eternity when Tweedledee has no idea that you are stood right behind them. Ahem. A-Hem! Come Along, Come Along now! *Fart*. Move Fuckstick. So I was heading for a crash course with this chick. And my momentum was such that I’d probably walk into her with some force at the estimated moment of impact. As I was feeling particularly garralous, I thought I’m gonna make that stationary harlot pay with her lack of empathy to my walking through a shop in a straight line, that I was going to drop the shoulder slightly at the said moment of impact. I didn’t want to break any bones, but secretly I wanted to drop her but in a ‘you really should have looked where you were going darlin’ kind of way. So I did…as she got closer, I got faster. As she didn’t move I prepared for smackdown. Do you know, that if you really try and knock over a girl who’s about 40 kilos, that when you are twice that weight you can really knock her flying? Oh yes. That would be my guess if the model I hit was a girl. Or even a human. On the face of it, mannequins generally don’t have much resistance and tend not to jump out of the way when you bear down on them. In fact, when you collide with a mannequin, one which isn’t affixed to the shop floor adequately anyway, the thing hits the deck hard. Not only that but the other two mannequins in the display also crashed to the ground in a kind of domino effect. Not only that but when you follow through with the dropped shoulder you kind of prepare yourself to meet some resistance which prevents you from careering to the floor. And when that resistence is missing you eventually end up on the floor, after a 520 degree pirouhette and little yelp. Fortunately, I had one of the three mannequins to break my fall and the other two ’stationary clothing artistes’ land on top of me, obviously to protect me in case other shopgoers felt compelled to pile on us in an utterly juvenile exercise. Of course, instead of getting up and making my excuses I choose to lay there prone until a nice crowd gathered and fingers were pointed. Oi! Mi Cabeza Doloroso!! El Mannequino Esto Fell-o On The Floor-o. Is OK! I Go Back To Hotel And Drink-o El Pain-o Away … -io. First rule of Window Club. When you do something utterly fucking stupid, pretend you are a tourist. Planted In Window Box: Shelving Pills Up Me Jacksi Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 7 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 15.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 9:27 am
I could just stare at this … and stare at this … and stare at this … pass me the Adderall XRs!! Planted In Window Box: Shelving Pills Up Me Jacksi Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 9 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 08.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 9:29 pm
My favourite pair of denim Superstars have been causing me grief for the last couple of months. On the edge of the big toe, it felt like the inner has unglued and started flapping up causing a bit of friction. Considering I wear these most days it’s been really annoying. Finally, I plucked up the courage to put my nose in and fix it once and for all. Believe it or not, it wasn’t the inner being unglued at all. No, No! It was a bag. In the bag there were two smaller bags. One with 3 pills and the other with half a G of charlie. Sweet! As the bros from Mini Movers say. I’d been looking for those bad-bwoys for ages. They must have fallen in there a couple of months ago, incidentally when my shoe started fucking out. Of course, the first thought in my head on a Thursday morning was to gobble and hoover the contents of said bags into my said body. The second thought was I’ll put my sneaks on and see if they feel better. They certainly do. No issues anymore here. The third thought and most importantly was I’ve been through Gold Coast Airport 6 times in that time. Brisbane Airport 4 times. Sydney & Melbourne a bunch of times. I could have been featured on friggin Border Patrol or some shite. The excuses wouldn’t have worked. “I didn’t pack my own shoe guv…It was the handsome stranger who asked me to wear his shoes”. The hugest irony was, when at Melbourne Airport, the drug squad were training its dog to find drugs and asked me to put ‘their’ package next to my bag to test their dog. The dog found it, sat next to me, they patted its head and fucked off. I really am very lucky…I will probably go off and celebrate now, by myself, for five hours… Planted In Window Box: Shelving Pills Up Me Jacksi Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 10 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 06.03.07 by Russell Allen @ 4:26 pm
On the bridge to Chevron Island I stand there looking for bull sharks. Scanning the quadrants I can’t see any. “The canals are supposed to be untold rife up in the jungle with these things. Where the friggin frig are they?” Coincidentally, a man with no legs scoots past. “Hey, you’d know…have you seen any sharks in ‘ere” “Fuck off. Car accident.” “I didn’t ask for your life story sunshine. Jesus, joeys can be a bit touchy can’t they” Planted In Window Box: Very GC Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 15 Comments Behind The Sofa |
My Dad
kinda looks like Christopher Moltisanti. Pow!