Some folks may know me as being a top catch. Oh, you laugh but it’s true. On Good Morning Australia, before it went to the big morning TV schedule in the sky, I was one of the highest bid auction items on the morning Bid TV segment with Moira, just behind the Waeco Electric Mobile Coolbox.

Top Bid: $320+GST. Officially 32.5% more valuable than Russell Allen. Which Is A Massive Improvement on Last Year.

But let’s not get caught up in the maelstrom that is my latent sexuality and death-defying visual appeal. There is a lot more to scorin a top bird than simple pantie-induced thermodynamics. For those having a little trouble, here’s a breakdown of the science of scorin.

To catch some top quality sheilas I like to use a Paternoster rig for it’s versatility.

If You Are Crap At Tying Knots Use A Metallic Rig As Shown To Maintain Integrity. Though As A Typical Australian Fella You Probably Have No Integrity

As you see the hook is dropped away from the sinker meaning you can set up multiple hooks at once to up your chance of scoring. During the last Rugby World Cup the English entourage included a full-time line rigger. He set over a 100 hooks at a time both pre-match and post-match. He could score some 60 girls at a time (often much higher in the Caxton Street area of Paddington, Brissie). I don’t want you getting carried away with those CRAZY numbers. Start modestly with some achieveable targets. So, rig up 5 hooks for a 1 in 5 chance of scorin.

Next, bait. For bait I like to mix it up. As we are coming into summer, sunglasses, portable music players, thirst-quenching beverages are all great. Shoes, handbags and modern telecoms equipment are good all-year baits. As effective as they may be I completely disapprove of tablets/powders/serums dropped into drinks in a stealth way. No!! Would you hunt mice with a grenade? WELL WOULD YOU? Actually, don’t answer that…

After snagging a catch, sometimes the hardest part of the whole operation is the reeling in. Some catches have been known to take some minutes to be dragged in. To assist reeling I have found the use of a pathetic or more ugly friend to be of great assistance. Their witless banter is enough of a distraction that the beauty of your witless banter to ensure a high pull rate. Also, lying has been known to work well in these instances.

“So, what do you do?”…”I’m a drug mule” … Technically, not a lie as I forgot to put the drugs in little condoms before swallowing all of them. I always forget that part.

What you have to remember is that having the best equipment in the world will only get you so far. You actually have to use that equipment in a place where it is likely to be effective. Ladies prisons and Jenny Craig studios have always worked for me.