A Short History of Shopping (in 4 short acts)
ACT I
*approach counter at Boost Juice*
RA: Can you get me a regular Coconut Raspberry Ripe please, Squire.
Spotty Oik: That’s $5.40. What’s your name?
RA: Why? There’s no-one else here?
SO: So when it’s ready I can give it to you.
RA: …
*turns around and no-one in sight*
SO: …
RA: It’s Russell.
SO: OK Russell, it’ll be ready in a minute.
*one minute passes*
*Spotty Oik approaches counter where I’m stood*
SO: *shouts* JUICE FOR RUSSELL!
RA: I’m just here, thanks.
ACT II
*walks out of KMart without purchasing any items*
Teen Security Girl: Can I check your bag?
RA: Go ahead
*cursory look*
TSG: Thanks
RA: What’s in my bag?
TSG: Sorry.
RA: You checked my bag. What did you find? What’s in my bag?
TSG: Umm…I don’t know.
RA: There’s two items in there and you looked in my bag, so what’s in there?
TSG: Toothpaste?
RA: No!
*walks off*
ACT III
Stupid As A Post Posh Bird: How much is this Papaya?
Stupid As A Post Posh Fruit Seller: I’ll just weigh it for you…$16.
RA: …
SAAPPB: $16!
SAAPPFS: They are $9.99 a kilo and it weighs 1.6 kilos so $16. At the moment both papayas and bananas are dear because of the ruined harvest.
SAAPPB: Oh, I wanted bananas as well.
SAAPPFS: Those four madam? Together the bananas and the papaya come to $37.20.
RA: You’re not spending $40 on 5 pieces of fruit are you?
SAAPPB: … umm, I am
RA: Idiot
ACT IV
*walks in Tiffany & Co*
*stands at counter as six members of staff looking industrious but not serving me*
*two or so minutes pass*
Tiffany Mole: Are you in need of assistance, sir?
RA: Well, yeah, actually I wanted to get a couple of those rings but since firstly, you are all abjectly lazy and I couldn’t reward such behaviour with you actually receiving a commission, no that just wouldn’t be cricket, and secondly, on closer inspection they actually look like crap so I’ve decided to give it a miss and treat myself to a day spa. Later.
TM: …
42 Blows Delivered After The Bell. Refereee!!! »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
Try And Make A Meaningful Contribution.
Hit Me With Yer Best Shot
Your e-mail address is never displayed, HTML allowed
boost juice? noooooooooooooooo!!
Hit by mez — July 25, 2006 @ 8:02 pm
It was empty
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 8:16 pm
*Phone rings at empty desk near Ro. Though it is not her job to answer the fucking phone, she answers it*
Me: Hello, Slavedrivers Inc.
Smarmy twat: Hello, is Mr Bastard Boss there?
Me: No, he’s not in again till tomorrow, could I (through clenched teeth) take a message?
ST: Yes actually, could you tell him it’s Smarmy Twat from the city BMW dealership, ringing about a car he was perhaps interested in buying?
Me: Sure (teeth still clenched, not writing anything down).
ST: My number is 1800 TWAT FACE.
Me: Right (still don’t write anything down).
ST: Thanks!
ME: (Slams down phone).
I turn around to face the whole office. “Some c**t just called for Bastard Boss from a BMW dealership. Seems he’s in the market for another one”.
Entire underpaid, overworked staff vomit into their keyboards.
PS My favourite Boost smoothie flavour is Strawberry Squeeze.
Hit by Rowena — July 25, 2006 @ 8:17 pm
Day Spa? Noooooooo
Hit by B — July 25, 2006 @ 8:17 pm
Ro: I used to do the whole, I’ll take a message, yeah, yeah, ok, ignore thing. Very gratifying.
Thanks for telling about the Boost Juice choice. I’ll store that under ‘Blogger Ephemera’.
B: One half-day at the spa every week……I am sooo gay, yes I know that. It’s my one vice…OK, it’s one on my long list of vices.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 8:26 pm
Kieran: Hello. I’d like to have the fries and burger, but not the drink.
Gimp: That’s the meal deal - you have to have the drink.
Kieran: Okay, well I’ll pay for the meal deal, but there’s no point giving me a drink as I won’t drink it. It’ll be a waste.
Gimp: We have to give you the drink.
Kieran: But I’ll just throw it away.
Gimp: *shrugs*
Kieran: Fine then.
Gimp: What drink do you want then.
Kieran: Anything, what does it matter? You choose.
Gimp: You have to choose a drink sir.
Kieran: For goodness sake. Coke. Make it a Coke.
Gimp: What size?
Kieran: What?
Gimp: What size Coke would you like?
Kieran: Oh Lord. The biggest. Why not? let’s waste as much as we can.
*Gimp hands me my meal, complete with drink, and money is exchanged. He then watches as I walk over to the bin right in front of him and proceed to pour the entire drink into the bin. His retarded face shows he has no comprehension of why this might be absurd.*
Hit by Kieran — July 25, 2006 @ 8:42 pm
Are you able to disclose the brand name burger venue in which this occured so I can recreate the scene.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 8:55 pm
So you were checking out two rings at Tiffany’s eh? You gonna marry yourself?
With this ring I me wed…
Good tunes for wedding could be I’m All I Need To Get By, I Am The Sunshine Of My Life and … I Touch Myself.
(Sorry, I’m delirious tonight).
Hit by Rowena — July 25, 2006 @ 8:56 pm
Right on the money in all instances. Especially, the I Touch Myself soundtrack
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 9:14 pm
Funny…
Hit by Chai — July 25, 2006 @ 9:34 pm
At least there wasn’t a question mark at the end of that
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 9:46 pm
I had the same problem in LV the other day. I was all ready to drop some cash on a handbag, and the snooty saleswomen decided to ignore me so they could talk to some bimbo with a designer rat in a bag. Finally one came over to ask if I wanted help, and I just looked her up and down with my What On Earth Is This Horrid Thing look and said, “no, I don’t think so” and turned around and walked out. Tres satisfying.
Hit by Puss In Boots — July 25, 2006 @ 9:58 pm
An ‘I dont think so’ still kinda implies that you couldn’t buy. Go back in there and give ‘em shit darl. They deserve it.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
While I appreciate the complete stupidity of some retail assistants, you can not begin to comprehend some of the most brain dead shit that consumers can come up with. It’s astounding.
Hit by Sam — July 25, 2006 @ 10:50 pm
Sam - agreed.
RA: oh the fun that can be derived from quietly informing staff that they’ve just been evaluated and performed well below the standards set out in the (insert business name) Customer Service Charter.
Hit by fluffy — July 25, 2006 @ 10:59 pm
I agree with you Sam but…actually no the world is populated by complete tossbags. End of story. Unfortunately most of them end up in retail and they also have a requirement to shop once in a while.
fluffy: I’ve tried pretending to be the Mystery Shopper before but as most of these retail kiddies are literally kiddies, they don’t actually give a flying fuck.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 11:14 pm
Bugger King.
Hit by Kieran — July 25, 2006 @ 11:20 pm
I’m doing it tomorrow. I’ll do it once then remember to buy another meal straight after. Gold!
Hit by Russell Allen — July 25, 2006 @ 11:24 pm
russ, many of them also drive around here. thought darwin should’ve taken care of them long time ago?
Hit by treespotter — July 26, 2006 @ 1:24 am
Is fruit really that expensive?!?!
I like the Boots deal here where you head to the checkout with a Coke and a sandwich and the salesperson tells you to get a cake too, because it will be cheaper. So, add the cake as suggested, the meal deal kicks in and your charge is reduced by 70p. There are helpful staff on Earth.
Hit by hippy — July 26, 2006 @ 8:31 am
That’s Boots though. Boots is like heaven on earth
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 9:44 am
shit, that was a brilliant post. I love it when you realize the whole commercial world is stupid…
Hit by cibbuano — July 26, 2006 @ 11:21 am
Thanks Cibby! That was my exact thought when I threw it together. Doesn’t matter where you go the standards are equally as stoopid
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Moral of the story is don’t pay for your rings, eat takeaway or shop at Frutique.
Hit by Dollop — July 26, 2006 @ 11:49 am
Especially the last part
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 12:10 pm
“Unfortunately most of them end up in retail and they also have a requirement to shop once in a while.”
Don’t exclude hospitality. That industry is inundated with fuckwits.
Hit by sam — July 26, 2006 @ 2:32 pm
Go easy Sam! I have stayed in many hotels and there is no comparison between the service.
I hate the stores that make you feel like a prick for interupting their day by trying to buy something.
Hit by Window Shopper — July 26, 2006 @ 2:50 pm
Only you would be in Kmart one minute and Tiffany’s the next.
Hit by spazz — July 26, 2006 @ 3:27 pm
Sam: Agreed again. Eerie yes?!
WS: You’ve clearly been to a Love Hotel in Tokyo. In terms of ingratiating staff shoe shops are the worst because if you want to send them back into the store room a second time they’re like ‘But I’ve been back there already’.
spazz: Yes, but note I bought nothing in both stories.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 4:03 pm
Should bought summin from both, Kmart first, just to be able to say ‘no thanks, I’ve already got a bag’ to the Tiffany muppet.
Hit by Dollop — July 26, 2006 @ 6:29 pm
That would work really well except KMart dishes out unbranded bags. Target would have worked well on that plan.
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 6:54 pm
Fuck it! Just go in with a chook from the carvery. Smell it and weep Tiffers!
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
Ah fuck off! Try being on the other end of customer’s pointless whinging!
At old bar job:
“I’ll have a beer please”
“Any preference? We have quite a few beers sir [being a pub and all]”
“You choose”
“Are you sure you can’t decide? We have…”
“Nah, you choose, I just want a beer”
“Sure? Okay then, I will.”
*pours beer, asks for money*
“That’s too expensive”
“Then you should’ve chosen a cheaper one, sir, shouldn’t you?”
“I don’t like this beer”
Tough.
x
Hit by B — July 26, 2006 @ 8:52 pm
Does the person at the end of that transaction kiss you or did he swear?
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 9:09 pm
I swore. And then made him kiss my hand.
Surprisingly, it works.
x
See? You’re aching to now!
Hit by B — July 26, 2006 @ 10:01 pm
Fuckin biatch! *Smooch*
Nah…doesn’t work for me
Hit by Russell Allen — July 26, 2006 @ 10:09 pm
Stop playing hard to get just because I can’t give it to you like Seb at the day spa.
Hit by B — July 27, 2006 @ 8:29 pm
Seb at the day spa has the most extraordinary tongue…and it’s Sebastian to you
Hit by Russell Allen — July 28, 2006 @ 1:19 am
Sorry sweetie.
Hit by Boudica — July 28, 2006 @ 10:12 am
Having worked in all number of crappy jobs, often it’s not stupidity so much as apathy.
Those Boost kids though, I don’t know. Do they always have to be so damn chirpy and healthy-looking. It makes a girl sick.
Hit by Susanne — July 28, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
thank you for laughing fit
which brought on coughing fit
NONETHELESS!
It was brilliant.
Tiffany is a pile of shit. I have mates who are jewellers and we have spent countless hours comprising Tiffany versions of police identakits for our own amusement:
Heart necklace. Chav got her ‘bling’. Everyone’s into the ‘white gold’ now (like they knew what the fuck it was last year) and ‘platinum’ like they could afford it.
Solitaire cut diamond ring.
Bogan with dark roots and those annoying hair clippy things and cheap black platform shoes. Boyfriend, sorry, fiance, wearing head to toe nylon tracksuit. But they’ve got bling they are creamin it!
Ro, I bought my last boss, he cheerfully informed me, a new Rolls AND a plane. And he’d still yell at me when I was ten minutes late. I feel your pain.
Hit by sublime-ation — July 28, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
I would very much love to try Act IV next time I’m house hunting. Bloody toerag salespeople always look through me and TallBoy like we’re not even there. You can practically see the word ‘Dreamers’ pop into their tiny brains.
I equally wish we would write our incomes on our foreheads or something. IT’LL BE WORTH YOUR WHILE YOU BASTARDS!
Hit by michellesarah — August 5, 2006 @ 11:48 am