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Plagiarised on 31.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 6:01 pm
The intense orangeness of Max’s shirt and Gretal’s face made me call the TV guy out to see if it was on the blink. It wasn’t. Worse still is that each BB contestant has been seen entering, and subsequently exiting, Chevron Island Tan for a spot of spray tanning. For any muppet to go the sauce knows that you start off slightly Bangadeshy looking, then overnight you turn to a beautiful shade of orange. Oh, you look soooo healthy, like a fuckin Clementine! Super sleuth Allen received reports that Perry is not loud and Krystal is; Gaelen is funny and Michael is not; Michael is strange as is Dino; Karen and Claire are nice; both Anna and Danielle are cunts and Anna is also as dumb as the proverbial post. Anyway the tide is turning so I’m sticking a line into the river and taking a bucket of alcopops with me. STOP PRESS: To the person who emailed me to suggest that Danielle is not a cunt, it has been noted that she spent 45 minutes on the phone sms’ing ‘Evict Camilla’. The hide of it!! Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 17 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 28.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 1:01 am
Check it! As I’m finalising a house move over the next few days I’ll be laying low for the next few days. As your lives will be emptier and sadder during this period fill your time with some tasty pasttimes… Learn The Words To An Elgar Classic - Classification: Easy Really there is only one classic and that is Land Of Hope and Glory. Great song to sing when boozed. It actually only sounds right when 9 pints of Stella are applied pre-vocal warm-up. Replay Great Chess Games In History Using the ‘Sicilian, Dragon, Yugoslav Attack’ opening - Classification: Medium Be Garry Kasparov without the horrible acne scars and Geography teacher blazer or emulate Bobby Fischer as he beat Bent Larsen’s arse in the 1958 classic by playing the old EuroLizard. There are only 433 games to play with this particular opening and better still there are lots of oiks there commentating about how they coulda played it better. Makes The Opening Queen Gambit look old school and tired. Yeah baby! This is what the internet was made for. Not porn - Chess! Chance Your Arm With Some Silly Mathematical Puzzles That Are Completely Pointless Except To Prove That You Are A Virgin - Classification: ‘Hard as’ Bro! If a knob ejaculates 9cc’s of jizz every three seconds for a period of 10 seconds, how good does it taste? Clearly even Good Will Cunting Hunting couldn’t answer that bad-boy but for some other bothersome posers that are impossible to everyone except those with lisps, retainers, remedial shoes or combination thereof and only serve to prove that the super-intelligent are clearly not procreating (and Ikea browsers are - note use of word browsers and not customers) then fuckin peruse the list contain herein and then click back 5 seconds later when you’ve realised you haven’t understood a single word on the whole friggin page. Read A Magazine That Is Not Centred Around Gossip - Classification: Very Fuckin Difficult I tried this the other day. Every magazine in my hands had a picture of Ashlee Simpson’s new nose, Tara Palmer Tompkinson’s fucked nose and Lindsay Lohan’s nose covered in my silky lovejuice. Give it a bash, magazines nowadays are crappy. Fact! That’ll just about cover the next few days. Ta-ta knobgobblers. Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 14 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 26.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:54 pm
I have always wanted a pen pal. I still do. Not a random 6 year old boy from a war-torn nation because I may fill his life with hope. He wont care about my topical, pithy comments on to my ‘3 Reasons why I love the Simplified Tax System’. Nor do I want a random Frenchman extolling the virtues of MC Solaar, Jacques Chirac, the versatility of the Renault Megane and the four day week in broken English. No! I want someone to write me a letter once in a while that is diverting or of an exciting nature then I write one back, so on and so forth. The two main reasons are: a) I love receiving mail and I cannot remember the last time someone actually wrote me a letter (except the fake letter written to me by my local curry house) From my half-decent book collection, 3 of my favourite books are ‘Letters To’ books. Snapshots of people lives that included the beauty and the tragedy. No ROFL’s! No LOL’s! No CUBTCDTS! Note: CUBTCDTS is a new one I invented - Can You Believe That Cunt Did That Shit! I use sparingly for dramatic effect. I want to live that experience. Blogging satisfies that needs to a degree but commentators only ever write soundbites back that I transform into conversation by replying back. Pen pals you are not. I have already resigned myself to the fact I’ll never have one and or if I do I’ll receive a letter and I’ll reply back - “Erm…that was shit…please never write to me again and dispose of my address please, forthwith!” That, of course, is the other fear. Stalkerdom! Woo-hoo! A pen pal who can write about the clothes you wear because they are spying you through a long lens camera from their Datsun. Yes, yes, yes! You should come closer before you comment on the size of my appendage. Perspective x Cold Weather x Context = Wee tadger. Not fair. In summary, someone write me a letter, anyone…if I don’t write back don’t take it personally. I’ll just think you are inferior or something. No biggie… Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 32 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 25.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 7:20 pm
ACT I *approach counter at Boost Juice* ACT II *walks out of KMart without purchasing any items* ACT III Stupid As A Post Posh Bird: How much is this Papaya? ACT IV *walks in Tiffany & Co* Planted In Window Box: Viva BrisVegas Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 42 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 24.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 10:41 pm
Actually, I’m not, the giveaway being I’m crap with a pitching wedge and I don’t boast the vocal chords of an inbred. However, there are some similarities. We both eat a lot of cheeseburgers, we both are good under pressure, we both are in the habit of gettin it on with supermodels, we both love racing green longsocks and we’re both black. Actually, again some of that last statement is incorrect but I couldn’t possibly tell you which part of it is all crap and ting. Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 19 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 23.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 6:33 pm
If you ever wonder if the human race with implode because of the persistant moral decline caused by the likes of Pazza and Nizza Hilton, Nicole Richie, Kimberley Stewart, et al being space-wasting toerags and cunts like you ‘looking at the pictures’ of their banaldom and, may I add, paying for it, then wonder no longer as those little donkeys have nothing on tyrannical African governments for downright dastardliness and appalling behaviour. Apparently the British government gave the African nation of Malawi a sterling amount equivalent to $4million as an aid package because of all the poverty, health issues and general around decay that’s occuring in the country. The government proceded to buy 39 S-Class Mercedes-Benz with the cash…All bulletproof of course. Love that abuse of power. However, I thought they would have funded a new Malawi-an Lottery. Expect your winning email any day now. Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 27 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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Plagiarised on 20.07.06 by Russell Allen @ 3:13 pm
It is. I’ve even seen the adverts on TV. Planted In Window Box: Rational But Brutish Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 24 Comments Behind The Sofa |
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My Dad
kinda looks like Christopher Moltisanti. Pow!