Had a Target stop at the weekend. Behold…
R.A.: “I hate this shithole!”
Supportive Yet Pikey Friend: “…”
R.A.: “What are we doing here again?”
SYPF: “Gotta get present…”
R.A.: “Fuckin gypo! That’s what you are. If you ever get me a present from here I’ll give it back to you the year after, cunt. Except one of those biscuit tins in shape of a fireman that says ‘If you can’t stand the heat, stay outta cookie jar’. I love that muthafucka.”
SYPF is distracted by Bonds Tracky B’s
SYPF: “They’re 30% off!”
R.A.: “Whoopedy-friggin-doo! I’m sure it’ll be on sale still tomorrow. Can we get the shit and go?”
SYPF: “Can you put this through, the price scanner over there for me…It’s $22 and 30% off the marked price”
R.A: “It’s $18.70 or more likely $18.69. I hate it how they steal that cent from you. They’re making a killing from that shit. I saw it happen to Richard Pryor in Superman III. That’s how he got his Ferrari.”
SYPF: “Put it through the price scanner!!”
R.A.: “It’s fuckin $18.70. 22 divided by 10 times it by 3 then deduct from the marked price. Or 22 divided by 10 and times by 7 if you’re feeling confident”
SYPF: “…”
R.A.: “What!”
SYPF: Fuckin! Price Scanner! Over! There!
R.A.: “What is this?”
*Looks at Price Scanner*
*Notices swirly laser*
*Notices bar code on item*
*Wonders if laser will work on bar code*
*Beep*
*Screen reads $18.69*
R.A.: “I fuckin told you. $18.69. Hey, have you seen this thing. It’s cool. It’ll tell you the price of the item in your hand. Like the actual item, as if you were at the counter but without the nutso teenager hyped on ice”
SYPF: “I know”
R.A.: “Have you got anything else?”
SYPF: “No!”
*Go to nearest rack and pulls off a handful of items*
R.A.: “$34. 20% off! Easy! $27.20!!”
*Beep*
*Screen Reads $27.19″
R.A.: “Stingy Cuntfaces!”
*Beep*
R.A.: “Yeah!”
*Beep*
R.A.: “No, no, no! That’s wrong! Excuse me, excuse me. Can I confirm a price!”
*Young girl stops. Her name badge doesn’t say ‘Manager’, it says ‘Management’. Like she’s Vito Corleone or sum shite*
*Beep*
Management: “The scanner is just there if you need a price”
R.A.: “I know I’ve seen it! It’s really cool…*Beep*…and look…*Beep*…on the whole it’s done a sterling job so far…*Beep*…but this one is $30 and at 30% of the marked price it should be $24, well, $23.99, but it says $24.49.”
Management: “…”
R.A.: “…”
Management: “Well tell them at the register and they’ll take down the price for you.”
R.A.: “Oh! Sorry! I don’t want to buy it. I just wanted to mention that the price was wrong”
Management: “Thanks”
R.A.: “That’s alright.”
*Management has disappeared well before I finished*
*Turn back to the price scanner with a couple more items in hand*
*Lady is standing behind patiently waiting*
R.A.: “That’s $49. I saw it on the way in”
*Lady ignores this helpful information*
R.A.: “Bet you it’s $49…*Beep*…yeah, told ya, suck eggs thru a straw lady!…no pleasin some people”
*SYPF had disappeared sometime ago*
*Notice sign above scanner*
R.A.: “Do not stare directly at laser. Why not? … Aww!!! Fuck!! *Beep*… I can’t fuckin *Beep* see. Shit!”
*Eye stops watering*
R.A.: “Oh! I can see. I’m getting me a laser. I can walk the streets doing eye surgery, varicose veins, lines and all that shit. Lovin It! Where can I gets me laser? That’ll be $18.49 again darlin!… *Beep*… Told ya!”
My hormones are causing cravings…satisfy me
Well, take me to the Big Pineapple, bend me over and shaft me with it so I scream ‘Holy lovin sweet Jesus in Toyland, THAT hit the spot’. News just in that Jay-Z is boycotting Cristal.
The decision comes after the boss of Louis Roederer allegedly mentioned that it’s posh booze was getting unsavoury and unwelcome attention from certain parts of society. Namely chicken-eatin homeboyz from the Bronx and others of their ilk.
Jay-Z has finally come to his senses and is saying No to the Big C. He’s looking to change to Krug or the Dom. HELL-FUCKIN-O JAY-Z!! It might come in a nice yellow sheet of cellophane but frankly liking Cristal is similar to liking your girl/boy spit jizz back into your mouth after bum sex. An acquired taste but on the whole reasonably unpleasant. It’s tastes like you’re lickin a fuckin 2B pencil or swiggin Bulgari Eau de fuckin Toilette Pour Homme. Krug 91 pisses on Cristal from a great height and if you think you can mess with the Dom, well you’ve clearly been drinkin Dulux Weathershield thinking it was a rad new concotion from Boost or sum shite.
The word on the street is that other rappers may follow suit. However, local talent The Hilltop Hoods have mentioned that they’ll stay on JD and Lemonade and Butterfingers wants only a couple cans of Carlton Midstrength for da afterpartay. Noise from over the Tasman is that Scribe is on the 42 Belows (Feijoa edition) but that’s only cos he’s a sceney biatch. Fo real.
I get oldies and baby boomers asking me all the time, questions like:
Is $400K enough to retire on?
I’ve got $220K in investments and assets and I want to retire in 5 years, can I?
I want to earn this much, each and every year after I stop working, can I?
The answer to these questions, and other of a similar ilk, is this -
Marshmallows are on ‘Special’ at Woolies for $2.27. Two fuckin dollars and twenty seven cents! Marshmallows! On ‘Sp-e-cial’! That’s sugar, air, a bit of white and a bit of pink. Since when has pink been so friggin expensive? I know sugar and air are like fuckin golddust nowadays but colour?
So, I say to the oldies, knowing your luck a slice of bread is going to cost ten grand by 2012, so the short answer is No, you’re fucked and you, your wife, your kids and their kids will all have to work until you all drop dead of Type Eleventeen Diabetes or sum shite.
The crispness of winter…
I am REALLY awake this morning. I think my testes are hiding behind my pancreas. Come on boys! There’s nothing to be scared of. Promise!
Talking like a Pussycat Doll…
Can you get a…Ha…I want it easy on the..Ha-ha
Finding competant contractors…
Wow! You can really do this and you don’t live in Asia. Get the fuck out of here!! Really!
My cleaner’s baking…
Shit-hot Apricot Upside-down Cake love. Keep it up.
Autistic ratgirl is up for eviction in Big Brother…
Is there any redeeming qualities to young Katie? I think not…not even House can figure out what’s wrong with her. Foreman! Give her a lumbar punch…that should confirm that she’s a twat
The sheer volume of footage available of BB07UK…
There are more highlights in one day of this than in one week of BB06AUS. Favourites are obviously the narcissism of Grace, the downs syndromic appeal of Nikki and Pete Tourette’s. Just going to sleep now…Wankers!….mmm….zzzz…Wankers!…mmm…zzz…Wankers!! - ad infinitum
The Myer Stocktake Sale…
I got this, and this, and this, and this and this…It’s just sooooo cheap…I don’t even need it but look how much I’m saving. This is as close as I’m gonna get to The American Dream since I’m a shit boxer.
Threesomes
Never used to be that into them but hey I’m allowed to change my mind aren’t I?
Watching England v Paraguay in a boozer filled with approximately 30 people, the songs were raining down on the screen. The shiter the game got the louder we sung. There was more noise coming from this venue than any other in the area. For a moment I got homesick and then I had flashbacks to shopping centres. I’ll stay right where I am thanks very much.
Got A Spare Ciggie? My Bruvva Wayne Will Smash Yer Mum In, Innit, If Ya Chat Ya Lips To Me’s, Ay!!
Opening Ceremony: Diabolical…An axe wound in cultural form. Breakdancing anyone? The only reason anyone watches these things is the offchance they’ll catch a live terrorist attack. Let’s hope the opening match is less stanky….
STOP PRESS: Opening match far less stanky, the question is do I stay up for Ecuador v Poland? Of friggin course!!!
STOP PRESS x 2: As part of the lead-up to the mighty England facing the mighty Paraguay later tonight some of you Aussies will need some guidance in the ways of chanting so you don’t look left out…
Song For Steven Gerrard (to the tune of Que Sera Sera)
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard!
He’ll Score From 40 Yards!
He’s Scouse and He’s Fuckin Hard!
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard!
Song For David ‘Calamity’ James (to the tune of Coming Around The Mountain)
If James can play for England so can I!
If James can play for England so can I!
If James can play for England, James play for England, James play for England so can I!!
Song For Frank Lampard (to the tune of One Man Went To Mow)
One man and a crane, couldn’t lift Fat Lampard!
One man and a crane, couldn’t lift Fat Lampard!
Two men and a crane, couldn’t lift Fat Lampard!
Two men and a crane, couldn’t lift Fat Lampard!
(continue till bored)
Song For Wayne Rooney (to the sound of Maneater)
Rooney’s on the bench,
Watch out girl’s he’ll beat you up
Rooney’s on the bench
He’s a wife beater!!!
Song for Ashley Cole (to the sound of Gold by Spandau)
Ashley Cole. Cole!
Always believe in your soul.
You’ve got the power to know, that your indes-truct-ablllleeeee
always believe in Ashley Cole! Cole!
Of course there are more but I don’t want to exhaust your tired little brains
