I Hold The Lock And You Hold The Key
In a few hours I’ll be one year old. Well, I won’t be since I have a fairly sophisticated vocal capability that one year olds couldn’t possibly dream of, but the window will have remained unsmashed for a whole year. Woo-friggin-hoo! There was a fracture earlier when I lost the will to Windex but Autoglass managed to fix it up and normal service has sort of resumed.
Some folks wonder where the frig some of the content is generated from. I subscribe into the school of creativity and scorchin’ hot cojones through aural torture. For one whole year I have lived in a world where I can hear nothing except this on continuous repeat…
You’ve Got Some Soil and Some Sun and All You Need Now Is A Little Water…I Said Water Not Sulphuric Acid, Fucko!
You think that this is torture and it is…and why do I listen to these classic albums ad infinitum? Because I am forced too…you know all that stuff about me living of the Goldie? It’s true but I don’t live in a house. I do, but it is a former house. A year ago I went into the basement of client’s house to check their computer connection and smelt gas and didn’t think anything of it. My client asked me if I had a light and Kaboom the house only went and ruddy blew up around me. Nads! When I came to, I had eleventeen hundred ton of house precariously poised around me and all I could hear was Papa Don’t Preach. Shite!
Long Life Batteries A Godsend Though A St Bernard With A Cask Of Brandy Would Have Been Better.
I’m not too concerned that I am stuck underground with a permanent internet connection, a flashlight and my two cd’s of mass destruction as I have mastered the goat’s trick. I can eat any muthafuckin thing that’s put in front of me. I once saw a goat in Indonesia eat a breeze block and tractor tyre because that was the only stuff available to chew on. Since I saw that I thought - Game On Niggaz! I’ll eat you all!! So, I have been slowly eating my way to freedom though I think that the asbestos and fibre-glass ceiling insulation is playing havoc with my skin. And the copper piping has been making my waistline expand but I try not to dwell on it.
So, yeah, I have kinda had a lot of inspiration caused by a decaying cerebellum and the stuff I called drugs you can actually find in Bunnings (Aisle 13 to be precise). I actually really like it down here in my cave, the smell of piss, my witty conversation with my hand, the endless supply of concretey grub. It’s like Kontiki meets Club Med wrapped up at the Four Seasons times infinity plus one cubed. Awesome!! I do miss home though and my nice comfy bed but I’ve been stuck down here for a year already and another year is imminent. I wonder if the folks at San Quentin Correctional Facility have rented it out yet. I loved that studio.
Roomy Studio Apartment With Bay Windows And All Facilities Available. Bed Included And … Erm…Injection
17 Blows Delivered After The Bell. Refereee!!! »
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You’re a freakshow darling, you know that don’t you? I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Happy birthday to a boy who’s one! (And what a year it’s been).
Hit by Rowena — April 28, 2006 @ 9:37 pm
Well that explains a lot. Happy birfday to ya. Shall i send a rescue crew with cake or are you content to chew on cement a bit longer?
Hit by Steph — April 28, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
Ta for the HB regards…I will celebrate with some more Material Girl.
St: Cement cake is now my fave flavour…bring down some more. Cement-a-gram will be cool too
Hit by Russell Allen — April 28, 2006 @ 9:54 pm
Happy 1st birthday… and whatever the hell it is you’re on, I want some!
Hit by Giggles — April 28, 2006 @ 10:35 pm
I think when Hunter S.Thompson died his soul may have gone straight into you.
And that is the greatest compliment a girl like me could ever give.
Happy Birthday Mr. Russ, you’re the one and only bestest geeza.
Hit by sublime-ation — April 29, 2006 @ 1:08 pm
I was pretty much the same when old mate Hunter was alive and torturing the residents of Colorado. That said I have felt a greater and more instable power within since his passing.
And Subby thanks for the lurve…much appreciated up these parts
Hit by Russell Allen — April 29, 2006 @ 9:27 pm
Congrats, you mad bastard!
Hit by Guy — April 29, 2006 @ 10:25 pm
God help us all if someone gives you a ranch and a full gun rack. In a mates way. Happy birthday love xxx
Hit by fluffy — April 29, 2006 @ 10:28 pm
Thanks Guido et Froo-froo…
At the moment I have to deal with Ranch dressing on a full looking rack. I’ve had worse days…
Hit by Russell Allen — April 30, 2006 @ 12:39 am
happy birthday! Good luck with that …goat thing
Hit by mez — April 30, 2006 @ 10:10 am
*takes lead piping out of mouth*
…whassat??!!? Oh yeah, thanks!…
*resumes chomping on lead piping*
Hit by Russell Allen — April 30, 2006 @ 10:20 am
Hope one had fun chewing aluminium foil attached to the deluxe birthday cake.
BTW, where the hell do you find the time to do all this ghostwriting?
Hit by cfsmtb — April 30, 2006 @ 11:23 am
Is this the big three o?
Hit by Dollop — April 30, 2006 @ 1:42 pm
First birthday on the webs - still got a few months to go before the 3-0 occurs
Hit by Russell Allen — April 30, 2006 @ 1:44 pm
Ah.
Guess it’s time for the RUSSELL ALLAN 1ST BIRTHDAY REAL TIME WEBCAM EXTRAVABURIEDUNDERGROUNDGANZA then.
In yer birthday suit.
Let me know when they get you free.
Hit by Dollop — April 30, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
You want to look at the buboes (or ringworm or scabies or whatever)?
Happy birthday, Mr Allen. May it be littered with hookers, Class As and girls who like it up-the-bum. And Lindsay. But only because we’re back from frolicking.
Hit by elaine — May 1, 2006 @ 3:30 pm
If Lindsay was a Class A hooker who liked it up the bum then we know are the stars are aligned that day. Ta El!
Hit by Russell Allen — May 1, 2006 @ 6:15 pm