The Brisbane Window » 2006

How To Gauge Potential Topics Of Conversation On A Blog

Plagiarised on 30.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 5:01 pm

Year One: Top Ten Search Terms

1. lindsay lohan panties
2. lindsay lohan no panties
3. lindsay lohan
4. lindsey lohan panties
5. lohan panties
6. bum sex
7. lindsay lohan in panties
8. lindsey lohan no panties
9. russell allen
10. once you go black you never go back

At least you can’t say I don’t give my audience what they want…

Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 22 Comments Behind The Sofa

I Hold The Lock And You Hold The Key

Plagiarised on 28.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 8:38 pm

In a few hours I’ll be one year old. Well, I won’t be since I have a fairly sophisticated vocal capability that one year olds couldn’t possibly dream of, but the window will have remained unsmashed for a whole year. Woo-friggin-hoo! There was a fracture earlier when I lost the will to Windex but Autoglass managed to fix it up and normal service has sort of resumed.

Some folks wonder where the frig some of the content is generated from. I subscribe into the school of creativity and scorchin’ hot cojones through aural torture. For one whole year I have lived in a world where I can hear nothing except this on continuous repeat…

You’ve Got Some Soil and Some Sun and All You Need Now Is A Little Water…I Said Water Not Sulphuric Acid, Fucko!

You think that this is torture and it is…and why do I listen to these classic albums ad infinitum? Because I am forced too…you know all that stuff about me living of the Goldie? It’s true but I don’t live in a house. I do, but it is a former house. A year ago I went into the basement of client’s house to check their computer connection and smelt gas and didn’t think anything of it. My client asked me if I had a light and Kaboom the house only went and ruddy blew up around me. Nads! When I came to, I had eleventeen hundred ton of house precariously poised around me and all I could hear was Papa Don’t Preach. Shite!

Long Life Batteries A Godsend Though A St Bernard With A Cask Of Brandy Would Have Been Better.

I’m not too concerned that I am stuck underground with a permanent internet connection, a flashlight and my two cd’s of mass destruction as I have mastered the goat’s trick. I can eat any muthafuckin thing that’s put in front of me. I once saw a goat in Indonesia eat a breeze block and tractor tyre because that was the only stuff available to chew on. Since I saw that I thought - Game On Niggaz! I’ll eat you all!! So, I have been slowly eating my way to freedom though I think that the asbestos and fibre-glass ceiling insulation is playing havoc with my skin. And the copper piping has been making my waistline expand but I try not to dwell on it.

So, yeah, I have kinda had a lot of inspiration caused by a decaying cerebellum and the stuff I called drugs you can actually find in Bunnings (Aisle 13 to be precise). I actually really like it down here in my cave, the smell of piss, my witty conversation with my hand, the endless supply of concretey grub. It’s like Kontiki meets Club Med wrapped up at the Four Seasons times infinity plus one cubed. Awesome!! I do miss home though and my nice comfy bed but I’ve been stuck down here for a year already and another year is imminent. I wonder if the folks at San Quentin Correctional Facility have rented it out yet. I loved that studio.

Roomy Studio Apartment With Bay Windows And All Facilities Available. Bed Included And … Erm…Injection

Planted In Window Box: Binary Bollocks
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 17 Comments Behind The Sofa

Ooh La Chuffin La!!

Plagiarised on 26.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:54 pm

Can you go and ruddy believe that my ruddy beloved Gooners only went and ruddy made it to gay Par-ee!!

Champions League Final here I come…Anyone gotta ticket? Anyone? Come on - stop holding out ya ruddy gobshites.

21 days to go then 21 hours on a plane. Annoying the piss out of the other cunts in First Class, dressed in the robes of the red and white army. Beltin ‘em out ad infinitum just like Ol Blue Eyes…

Start spreading the news, we’re playing today
We’ll always be a part of it - Arsenal, Arsenal
These red and white shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - through Arsenal
We always wake up in an Arsenal wonderland
And find we’re king of the hill, top of the heap, A number one!

These second-rate teams, are melting away
They just ain’t got the heart for it, at Arsenal
If we can win it there, we’ll win it anywhere
It’s up to us - Arsenal, Arsenal!!…

…just another 20.9 hours to go mateys! And again…

Start spreading the news, we’re playing today
We’ll always be a part of it - Arsenal, Arsenal…

Planted In Window Box: Hold The Front Page
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 19 Comments Behind The Sofa

Unarrested Personal Development

Plagiarised on 25.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 9:28 am

I’m not a bad person. I help old ladies across the road. I donate cash to several charities. I donate my time to dickheads on a regular basis. I try and counsel people though hard times when necessary. I try to be, how do you say, nice. Though what you are about to read may make you think the above statement is a crock of shite.

I have never actually been arrested and therefore have never actually fractured any laws or have anything resembling a criminal record. If I did my mum would be horrified as I’ve never sworn in front of my mum before. That said, neither did The Krays.

There is a saying that you haven’t done anything illegal unless you’ve been caught. So, I decided to take it upon myself to figure out over the course of my life how many imprisonable laws in Australia I have broken since age 16. I have to say it’s a decent looking rap sheet and the max sentences attached can really add up. Behold…

Bribery of an Official – 10 years
Conspiracy to Defraud – 8 years
Copying subscription-specific secure data – 2 years
Cultivating Controlled Plants – 10 years
Damage to property belonging to a public official - 8 years
Dealing in proceeds of crime worth more than $1000 – 5 years
Destroying mail – 10 years
Dishonest removal of postage stamps – 1 year
Dishonestly dealing in personal financial information – 5 years
Dishonestly obtains delivery of articles/mail – 10 years
Driving infringements inc excessive speeding – 5 years
Driving while intoxicated – 8 years – 10 years
Drug Possession – 2 years
Drug Possession with intent to supply – 10 years
Drunk and Disorderly – 7 years
False or Misleading Statements in Applications – 1 year
Forgery – 10 years
Fraud – 15 years
General dishonesty with respect to a carriage service provider – 5 years
Improper use of emergency call service – 3 years
Indecent Exposure – 5 years
Making False or Misleading Documents – 1 year
Making off without payment – 2 years
Manufacturing Controlled Substances – 10 years
Obtaining Financial Advantage By Deception – 10 years
Obtaining Property By Deception – 10 years
Perverting the course of justice – 5 years
Possession of a drug precursor – 2 years
Possession of a forged document – 10 years
Possession of a weapon – 10 years
Possession of fake identity document – 10 years
Possession of property reasonably suspected of being proceeds from a crime – 2 years
Receiving of Stolen Goods – 10 years
Recklessly causing harm to a UN official – 7 years
Selling Controlled Plants – 10 years
Sleeping with an unlicenced prostitute – 2 years
Taking or concealing of mail – 5 years
Tampering with mail – 5 years
Theft of mail – 10 years
Theft of Property – 10 years
Threat to cause harm to a public official – 2 years
Unauthorised impairment of data held on a computer disk or credit card – 2 years
Unauthorised impairment of electronic communication – 10 years
Using a carriage service for a hoax – 10 years
Using a forged document – 10 years
Using a postal or similar service to make a threat – 7 years
Wrongful delivery of communications – 1 year

Holy Snapping Duck Shite!!! So, all in all 46 laws broken in total…not a bad effort methinks. If they stuck me in jail at 16 for my naughty business I wouldn’t get out until I was 341 years old. I might get out on my 175th birthday or sumthin if I’m really, really good and take up a position in the church or sumthin similar.

I’m not going to go into specifics unless people ask because then the post most may resemble the works of Tolstoy or Rowling in terms of long-windedness. However, many of the circumstances highlighted above were innocuous events that when you look at the letter of the law, a crime was undertaken. As they say on Blue Heelers, ignorance is no excuse in the eyes of the law.

I managed to somehow dodge a life sentence in there though I actually came close. I thought I had drug trafficked once before as I accidentally carried a gram of Charlie on a flight from London to Paris. In fact, you need 2 grams in your possession before you are deemed a trafficker. Because of that it is only Drug Possession. Woo-hoo!

Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 31 Comments Behind The Sofa

The Man Bang List

Plagiarised on 24.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 12:16 pm

After reading the lesbian list at tale-teller’s Mez’s house, I vowed that I too would produce my own pink list. I know some people have been expecting it for some time. OK, so I can be the gayest straighty alive from time to time (and occassionally I peer into the toilet bowl and think “Sheesh! I coulda been a great gay. So much capacity”. So, what kinda fellas would take my fancy? Well it is a veritble smorgasboard of hunk and non-hunkdom. No pics attached so search for yourselves you lazy buggers.

The Man Bang List

Goran Visnijc
Hey, everyone says Clooney (though I’d prefer him as a friend than a shag) but this muthafucka gets my vote everytime in the man meat stakes. It’s that swarthy eastern european look. I have fantasies of him galloping through my village in medieval times, picking out a young squire to take with him into battle. Pick me Goran! Pick Me!!

Goran Ivanisevic
OK! So I only wanna fuck guys called Goran. It’s a Croatian thing I guess. He’s gotta crackin’ arm on him - just imagine the sheer fingering to velocity ratio. Best handjobby ever. Also, when he beat wet-fish of the century, Pat Rafter at Wimbledon and shed tears of glory I wanted him, right there and then, on centre court in front of the Duke and Duchess and Cliff Richard.

Pieter van der Hoogenband
The Dutch (with the Yanks a close second) are the hottest nation in bed. Fact!! They just seem to try harder than everyone else and seem to be really good at what they do. Cos of that and that he has that boyish good looks (especially when he has his specs on) I want to deflower his little arse off. If Thorpie or Hackett wanted to watch they could. But they’d have to stay in the corner and play with themselves, or each other.

Joel Parkinson
I’m not really into Aussie males cos most of them talk funny but pro-surfer Parko is superhot. I’m kinda hot for Fanning too but he looks really similar to one of my best mates, Scrotes, and even though I’ve seen him naked on many an occassion, shagging him? Eeeew!

AA Gill
You may not know him…he is known for being a restaurant critic for a newspaper with low circulation in the UK. He is also known for being a bit of man about town. A Cad. A Bounder. A Gentleman. A Scholar. A Pretentious Twat. A Genius. All correct descriptions that together with his public school accent toffishness makes him hotter than most men on earth. Also, his knowledge on all things banal make him great pillow talk potential. Not that the fucker would be able to get a word in edgeways.

Denzel Washington
Even though he’s getting a bit long in the tooth you can’t deny Denzel is one sexy mutha. We could do a reprise of that famous whuppin scene in Glory except I’m the one trussed up and he gotta bullwhip made of rubber. Dang!

Bob Harper
Work me, Bob! Work me! Harder! Two More! And One! Shake It Off! Shake It Off! And Relax! Let’s Go Again But This Time, Twice The Intensity

Owen Wilson
The Hair. The Nose. The Winning Smile. The Hot Brothers. Soooo many things are pointing in the right direction for this guy it’s not funny. In fact he is funny. Last one to the spa is a rotten egg!

Richard Quest
Falls into the same category as AA Gill. His segments on CNN are my absolute favourite. Rewind! And oh yeah, money shot time! And now time for the weather! *tissues*

Zane Lowe
Another swarthy type, Kiwi guy, hosts some urban music thang on MTV Europe. Hot looking, nice voice, vaguely interesting but the main reason is that I’ve never shagged a Z before.

People who used to be on the list but have fallen out of favour.

Huey from Fun Lovin Criminals
Turned into Augustus Gloop just after the last album. Shame!

Paul Walker
So you are hot and you’re probably really good in bed but…if you appear in another movie featuring animals we’re gonna start thinking you’re a wet fuckin fish.

David Beckham
He is faarckin’ hot but for chrissakes keep your mouth shut. Unless it’s got my cock in it of course…

Wil Anderson
Thought I wanted to bend him over a chaise longue when I heard him on radio, then the TV appearances came thick and fast and the passion died away. Being juxtaposed between Hughesy and ‘Is She a Fella’ Corrine doesn’t make you more attractive by default. Well it does but I can see through the smoke and mirrors. Duck face!

Any AFL Player (inc. Frysy)
Though you all look kinda hot I don’t want to stand on a Yellow Pages just to kiss the underside of your balls.

Planted In Window Box: Coveting Thy Neighbours Pink Oxen
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 33 Comments Behind The Sofa

Fun With A Freezer

Plagiarised on 22.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 5:38 pm

“Freezing may seem difficult and confusing but it is not - and it can be FUN!! …

… For the busy housewife the freezer is a godsend when servicing your overworked husbands. Save time as sandwiches keep excellently in the freezer but refrain from using lettuce or tomato if you want to stay in his good books…”**

If any of you sorry lot ever have the misfortune of becoming Mrs Allen v2.0, I will divorce you immediately if you ever present me with a frozen friggin sandwich for my lunch. Other grounds for divorce are ‘not understanding the concepts of freezing’ and the ‘finding of freezing difficult’. I don’t mean to be a hard taskmaster but there are limits to abject stupidity. Please note that this also applies if you:

(a) Have a tasty rack that remind me to visit the Honeydew section of the local fruit barn
(b) Have a tasty arse that automatically glistens in the moonlight in the threat of imminent insemination
(c) Have a face that I wanna lick the features right off
(d) Have the rare combination of a, b and c

Divorced! Immediatemente! That said, you do have a Get Outta Jail Free Card if you happen to be presented with a particularly tough freezing conundrum when yer on the blob.

** Just one of the many delightful excepts from the majestic super-read ‘Fun With A Freezer’, published by Hamlyn c. 1977. Unsurprisingly, no author name was apparent.

Planted In Window Box: Irrational But Beautiful
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 15 Comments Behind The Sofa

Notional Treasure

Plagiarised on 21.04.06 by Russell Allen @ 7:04 pm

I know on Tuesday we are all gonna be hungover to celebrate Anzac Day but can I also point out that on Sunday we all have to hold up a pint glass, to tip our hat to this man -

The Gaffer aka St George … (he doesn’t own a bank or a NRL team you philistines)

St George’s Day is on April 23 and is the most English of days. Since 1222, it has been the day where every patriot should go out, drink the national drink (Stella, Carlsberg or Carling) get paraletic and fight. Sticks and crowbars optional.

As legend goes Georgey headed to the Middle East, slayed the scaley one and became a legend…literally. So, much so that he is also the patron saint of Georgia (who knew), Lithuania, Portugal and Palestine. Shit oh dear! Most St George celebraters don’t even leave Blighty or don’t have a passport so do they know that St George has been spreading the love with the ethnics? Feckin’ Scandal! It makes you wanna drink more beer and knife a copper at the Arsenal/Spurs derby.

Better still, he’s a Turk. Maybe he isn’t, but he was born in the area that is now know as Turkey back when he was knockin around in the 3rd century. Stick extra tahini on my felafel, did I fuckin know he was a Turk!!! Actually I did, but I’m trying to empathise with you feckless lot.

Better still x 2, but good ol’ George does not just represent the patriot, no, no, no, no, No! He is also the patron saint of soldiers, the cavalry, archers, farmers, workers, riders, saddlers, and more importantly he’s also the patron saint of those suffering of leprosy, plague and the syph. You know me too well Georgey! A Soldier With Leprosy! I couldn’t have summed it up better meself.

Planted In Window Box: Pig's Ear
Comments: No Comments, Actually I Found 17 Comments Behind The Sofa

Tolerable Wretches (and getting them drunk)