Rightio! I like to hurt myself…not in the slash across my arms as cry for help with a blunt Ikea paring knife sense, but in the filling myself chemicals so absurdity and hilarity ensues. You know, chemicals that make you do stupid things and chemicals that alter your body in an unnatural yet not a wholly unpleasant way.

So, I visited my old mate, the good doctor for a script.

“Take one of these capsules and in about an hour you’ll be right as rain”

Pioaw!!! Babylon in capsule form - Adderall XR

I love pharmaceutical grade amphetamines. They friggin rock! Like a beautiful Gene Simmons. To those not in the know Adderall is popular in States, like it’s sister drug Ritalin, to treat little fuckwit kiddies that are suffering from ADHD (aka Crazy Energy Borne of Boredom From Living in a Trailer Syndrome). Adderall also treats narcolepsy which is cool because I’ve had fuck all sleep in the last fortnight and WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW is a way to stay awake more and not sleep for another cunting fortnight.

“It’s a bit like Minutes (we call E’s Minutes because for some fuckin reason Aussies call pills things like zingers, pingers, bingers or any other name under the sun the totally sounds like you are talking about drugs…what’s the point in using slang if you’re signposting it…so Minutes = “How many minutes have you got left on your phone?” “3 and I spent 90) and a bit like T-Shirts (Crystal - “Can I get a couple of t-shirts off ya?”)…anyway…

“It’s a bit like Minutes and a bit like T-Shirts but purer in both senses…lasts a lot longer and no come down…none!”
“Sounds friggin great…I’ll take a half dozen please squire and put it on Medicare will you”
“As always”

As you may or may not know, drugs have a reverse effect on children than they do on adults so drugs that have a calming effect on the kiddies like Adderall make us big fellas massively off their dial…like properly off their tits…but Adderall also allows you to focus on the most mundane of items, conversations and thoughts for seemingly hours on end with no tiredness or boredom. Adderall tends to be abused by students for this particular quality…for some reason it is also abused in the US by fighter pilots… i guess so they don’t tune out during sorties on the ragheads…“Dagga…dagga…dagga, Uh-uh-uh! Get some, get some! You and you and you and you!!

In the social sense it’s the perfect drug to take with your insufferable mates. Wretches that tolerate you just to spite you. Fortunately I had a couple of good friends over for a spot of self-abuse. After dropping we notice that we were empty on the drink front…we knock back a couple (or 4) of Crownies. Within 45 minutes we start to feel happy, like really fucking happy but then dwelling massively on the fact that we were happy, but also dwelling massively on the fact that we needed another drink…something a bit more adventurous. One of the guys is a shit-hot cocktail geezer and decides to crack out an Old Fashioned.

People With Palates That Can Absorb Flavour Need Not Apply. Very friggin Sour

I’ve seen him make one of these in about 2 minutes. He lovingly prepares it as it is built to spec. Find the recipe below…

5 Dashes Angostura Bitters
3 Shots Bourbon
1 Teaspoon Sugar

Soak sugar in angostura, add a drop of bourbon and stir. Add ice slowly stirring and adding more bourbon until the sugar has dissolved. Zest orange over drink.

Easy, huh? Well…“Grab a teaspoon of sugar…is it level or rounded? Standard US or a more imperial teaspoon? Let’s try different sizes…at the bar we use our cocktail standard which is an intermediate size between the two standards. I don’t have a cocktail teaspoon here. Which one shall I use? There are arguments for both but…hold on, get me a Crownie while I make this…yeah so, there are arguments to use either…I may even use heap the small spoon then flatten it with my finger to create a slighter higher than normal level teaspoon…”

…the ice shouldn’t be cubed, or smashed, it should be grinded…Noo Russ! Those fuckin shards are too large but I forgive you mate, fuck I love you…you’ll see why…pass me another Crownie…for this drink to be drinkable, when it has finished being made the ice will have melted thusly to create the perfect drink as the shards would have melted not too much, but not too little either…to achieve this effect you have to stir the drink exactly 36 times…

Meanwhile, my mate is flicking through my cookbooks - The River Cafe, Novelli, Daphne’s, Soho Cooking, Sydney Food, Nigel Slater, devouring every morsel on offer and reading the entire ingredient list off every page and lovingly reading out each passage including Slater’s paean’s to the chip butty…

“…if you are making chips at home for a chip butty, then all I can say is that you are a real hero. My need for this starch marathon is usually confined to when I have had too much to drink and not enough to eat…Pick up your chips on the way home, spread an absurdly generous amount of butter on the bread, then pile on the chips. The chips must be hot enough to melt the butter. Salty, buttery fingers are an indescribably good feast when you are a bit pissed. Especially when they are someone else’s…”

Page turns and more chapter and verse.

“…you stir the Old Fashioned in such a way…pass me another Crownie… so not to saturate the sourness…oh yeah, always been a fan of Skye, always been a fan of Rain, Phoenix is not too bad too and neither is Jameson. But Jameson has got a bit big for her boots since her bio and she don’t do cock any more…fuckin lesbianism is soo fuckin’ niche…if I wanna see Jenna get done by a geezer, she should get done by a geezer. She’s earnin good ping, don’t get all fuckin’ la-di-da on me, like your ring is tooo precious…so, yeah once you stir in more angoustura…”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch I am randomly texting and emailing and talking and observing and getting all focused on all the stimuli around me…

“I fuckin love you…no I really fuckin love you man…I’m not shitting you, no I’m not shitting you this time. You’re a special fucker…what’s in that head of yours is fuckin precious”

Et fuckin cetera…

“Stir again, 28, nearly there chaps, under 10 to go then it is absolutely ready…you know they first served this in the Paris Ritz, or was it the Waldorf Astoria…”

We got our drinks nearly 3 fuckin’ hours later. So sour drink in hand we discuss food…“I looked through all the books and I think I want this…”

Black Cod With Miso Sauce

I don’t have any fuckin Cod and no fuckin Miso…thank fuck!