As I’m part of the MTV (+ 1hour) Generation, I can’t do emotive or genuine forms of personal expression. Lists are far easier way of getting relevant and important information across. If I had an OHP I’d bust out a few slides for you with easy to follow bullet points too. However, a simple list will suffice.

This list covers stuff which people may know about me, but is unlikely they do know about me…you may laugh, you may cry, you may have now reached the Discovery Channel (+1 hour) on your Foxtel and have decided to not read any further. So without further ado, check out these morsels on the degustation menu:

I Can Speak Five Languages
Well I think I can…I did before I came to Australia and since the Goldie is the most white bread place on earth I haven’t had many opportunities for a polylingual run-out (I was going to write cunnilingual but should I cheapen this post with gratutitous flange gags - Yes!). So, the list goes Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, French and English. The French is a bit rubbery. I never actually learned it but picked it up from watching TF1 for about 6 weeks and talking to bar staff.

I Have Written Six Books - That Have Been Published
So, I can write. Not well, but better than the people that commissioned me to write them. So, I’m a Ghostwriter. I didn’t do Victoria Beckham’s book but I could have. I have written a biography for a 40 year old woman with a rich and varied sex life. The empathy, The empathy! The horror, The horror! Also I have written a manual on how to surf (waves) though I have never done so myself.

I Don’t Work After Midday On Friday Or Before Midday On Monday
This is so important when you are self-employed. Otherwise you spend every minute of the day working. This way I get a 4 Day week. Hooray for me and my needs!

My Youthful Appearance Ensures People Underestimate Me
This has changed in the last weekend. When I had my 28th birthday last year, everyone said ‘You don’t look 28′, ‘Get fucked are you 28′ etc. This year I announced I was 29. ‘Really, I thought you were 30 this year’. Thanks Niggaz! Well usually think they have one-up on me because they have laughter lines and crows feet…well guess what…I’ve got your fuckin number pal and you’ll be crying to Mommy, very, very soon.

It’s true. I’ve made grown businessmen cry in a boardroom full of people because of inadequecy. Actually, it’s happened thrice. Not my fault. They couldn’t handle the pressure.

Note: I was made to cry in Year 1 - Corporate Finance (21 y/o) by my boss. I didn’t even feel like it - I just did. After learning his trick, I found out it worked on others and is a powerful and underhanded way of fucking up other peoples careers publicly. To those studying an MBA or Psych, it’s called Conditioning Down.

The First Wedding I Ever Attended Was My Own
Its true. Its true. I was married at the same registry office as my parents. I got very drunk as did everyone there. It was an after work affair and very informal. To this day, still one of the highlights of my short life.

I Am Obsessed By Only One Person
No, it’s not you! I think about this person when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I eat my Weetbix, when I drive, when I sit, when I stand, when I work, when I don’t. To those who think know me, they wouldn’t have the first idea who this person is. Even the subject has no idea. I really don’t know what to do about it but I’m all for the natural evolution of self. And no, it’s not Lindsay Lohan.

I Am Obsessed By Numbers And Percentages
Conversely, I am also a bean counter. Not in the accountancy sense but I like playing percentages and seeing trends in seemingly trendless things. I can be seen entering hundreds of random figures into a spreadsheet in order to find a pattern. I don’t even know why. I just like doing it.

I’ve Lost More Money On One Bet Than Most People Earn In A Year
At the Burswood Casino in Perth I decided to put $30K on the roulette table. I just wanted to see what it would feel like to win or lose a fat amount of cash based on a 50/50 probability. As my stake was high they ushered me to a high-roller table. Standard tables wouldn’t accept wagers over $1,000 on the outside bets.

$30K in chips totalled 3 whole chips. That was my stack. Woo-hoo! I looked at the digital strip to spot a row of colours then opt for the opposing colours. As I didn’t want to bet straight away I stood back. About 15mins passed and black was hit 5 times in row. I was going to go red next time up. It had to come up red. Even though the probabilities were identical, the likelihood was it would go red.

I walk to the table and I push my 3 chips forward to the red square. I glance up to the digital readout. I smile up at the croupier. She looks completely unfazed. A reasonably attractive girl inches her way closer to me because she couldn’t believe Mr Quiet was just gonna stick 30G’s on a coin toss. “Thirty Thousand! I Hope It Doesn’t Go Black”. Thanks darlin for those sage words. “No skin off my nose toots”. She edges a teeny bit closer. The croupier waves her hand. “No More Bets”. I’ve been convinced for years that the croupier signals the end of the table with the least chips when they do that wave. Convinced I tell thee.

The ball bounces, bounces, bounces. Tick! Tick! Tick! I stare at wheel. I haven’t blinked for about a 90 seconds and take a swig of Jameson. It bounces on 21 Red, then flicks back a few spaces to 34 Red then jumps forward…it hangs in the air for a second that probably only lasted a nano-second. I finally breathe. “2 Black”.

Bugger!

I Suffer Fools Gladly
I enjoy all people…yes even dickheads. They all have something to offer. A story to tell. I don’t prejudice based on what they do, what they look like or where they come from. There opinions might be intolerable but I still give them time. Most people ask ‘Why?’. The main reason is that it takes all kinds to make the world go around. If everyone was like me and had the same interests and fascinations then the world would be a boring place. The has to be murder, hate and pestilence in the world. Dark has to exist to make light so sweet, non?

Well I think so…

I Have No Fear Of Death
As demonstrated in this story from late last year I have little fear of death. I do have an irrational fear of being struck by lightning though. That said I fear no death. The main reason for this is I’ve passed out many times, I’ve even thrown a few fits back in the old days. Each time I come around I have no recollection of the moments preceeding the event. In other words, some fucker could have finger-banged me immediately beforehand I would have been none the wiser. This is a simple brain snap. I’m sure If I get hideously run over and eaten by dogs I wont remember it. It might hurt (a lot) but I wont be in any position to remonstrate.

So I guess that’s me and my session. Hour done! Pay the nurse on the way out please Mr Allen.