I’ve been saying this for over a decade but most blinkered people thought I was being anti-Diana. Which I am but…
Genetics Don’t Lie
Why is it a surprise it transpires she was a coke-whore too. She maintained that she had tried it once and it made her feel sick. HELLO!! You loved being sick. You were a friggin Booolimic weren’t you. Spewing twice a day was part of your routine. And being a Sloane Ranger it was in your blood to be tooting some white powder for recreational purposes with charlie being the drug of choice amongst posh tottie.
Look at fellow Sloany and friend of the family Tara Palmer-Tomkinson as a posh girl who was totally mad for it. This tasty ‘It’ girl used to toot 8gms of coke a day. 8 GRAMS. In Aussie dollars that’s around $2000 PER DAY (australian retail price - wholesale prices yet to be determined). That’s what we call $10,000 a working week just on charlie. Nigga please!
TPT used so much coke she couldn’t even afford trousers
Lets face it Di. You were bored, you shagged around and took a lot of coke. It’s OK. Being dead is part of the healing.
Ever wanted to experience my life at the weekend? Probably not…but if you are curious then play this game…
Tom Cruise. Fuck off! This is not about you or your bird with a tasty arse and a wispy ‘tache. This is about NASA’s real life attempt to start a interglobal, thermonuclear war with a icy rock in space.
I plan to start digging my 3 mile deep bunker soon as I fully anticipate little green men might take exception to a bunch of homosapiens blasting their deified icy ball with a missile travelling at 23,000mph.
Actually, the 3 mile bunker will take a bit longer than a week to build. I need protection quick.
“One Freedom Air ticket BNE to Dunedin please. Stat!”
Dodgy fucker, and queen of the porridge, Martha Stewart has signed on to be the new boss of The Apprentice. Clearly, The Don, wasn’t enough of a charlatan and they decided to get someone with a bit more grit with Martha having done some real hard time.
Martha will bring her own brand of business sense and the entire action is shot on location at Martha’s office and headquarters
Martha has announced that the ‘You’re Fired’ catchphrase will leave the series with Trump. She hasn’t given away what she will say but she does infer that it will be a bit different. Having spent some time inside rumours have surfaced that she has developed a filthy mouth and that may be reflected in her send-off to the week’s loser.
NOTE: If you ever happen to end up at Yahoo Images and search for Martha Stewart, the number one image is a fake nudie of Martha with a fat floret of broccoli sprouting out of her tooter.
After A Hard Day Of Crimefightin’ There’s Nothing I Like More Than … Playing A Quick 9 holes
“What was the cause of death?”
“Judging by the wind, probably a 5 iron using a short approach.”
B-To-The-Muthafuckin-Zarre!!
Also honourable mentions go to Ms Kevin Costner for hooking her ball out-of-bounds but still looking bloody happy about it and Tea Leoni for her effortless style in the face of being married to perennial dullard David Duchovny.
After posting about darts legend Bobby George last week (go back two posts and you’ll see a man with a cape, a candelabra and a smile - that’s the geezer), I recalled the jocularity of commentator Sid Waddell. The Geordie had a way with words and metaphors that can we say the average commentator is lacking. Imagine, Dermot Brereton or E. McGuire comment on the Grand Final with pearlers such as these:
“These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there’s a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning.”
“Big Cliff Lazarenko’s idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.”
“He’s going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!”
“That’s like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank.”
“He is as slick as minestrone soup.”
“He’s like D’Artagnan at the scissor factory.”
“He’s as cool as a prize marrow!”
“Bobby George is like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!”
Lest we forget that these comments are regarding the noble pub sport of darts. Not the Melbourne Cup or the Rugby World Cup Final. No, No!! This is about two big old boys trying to get 501 without falling over drunk in a pool of their own vom.
“It’s just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair.”
“That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!”
“He’s about as predictable as a wasp on speed.”
“Look at the man go, it’s like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!”
With a degree from Cambridge University reading history you would wonder how he got into darts commentary. Do you think his careers advisors would have dreamt he would have reached these heady heights. What he learned though was never forgotten and have permeated into his passages.
“When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow’s only 27.”
“There hasn’t been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions.”
“If we’d had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they’d have gone home.”
“He’s like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night.”
“It’s the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia.”
He loves his pop culture too and I doubt you can find anyone in the world who can express the term ‘excitement’ in so many ways
“Rod Harrington’s now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld .”
“Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn’t have done any better than this.”
“They’ve got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can’t beat this for drama.”
“You couldn’t get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!”
“That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!”
An animal lover too by all accounts:
“This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!”
“It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline.”
“Well as giraffes say, you don’t get no leaves unless you stick your neck out.”
“His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch.”
“He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.”
“He looks as happy as a scorpion who’s just had a pedicure!”
“He’s twitching more than a one legged ferret!”
Never in the history of sports commentary has a man had such crazy verbiage. The challenge is not to make darts exciting, the challenge is not to make all the other sports envious.
ADDENDUM: Have just found Sid’s website and it contains even more pearlers from the big man.
STOP PRESS: CORRECTION - Reports are coming in of a terrorist aged 4 being found in Kazakhzstan. The parents are very proud that their explosives-laden son has finally made it into the Guinness Book. Previous failed attempts have included being the youngest child working in a Level 6 depth diamond mine, youngest child to run a department in a steel factory and human bovine-spongiform taste tester. The last record being taken away by a Moldovan girl one day his junior.
